Seven

There is a need for a list of the New Seven Deadly Sins. I have decided.

Come on, I’ve as much right to as anyone else as let’s face it, who the hell decided what they were to be in the first place? Some repressed bloke in a frock?

Over at Top Blog Mag, my good friend American Scot dissed the whole list of the original deadly sins quite effectively. Let me quote the tattooed atheist here:

“Lust? Without it, procreation of the species is impossible!
Gluttony? Who hasn't ate that extra slice of pie?
Greed? Sure, but I equally am capable of generosity.
Sloth? What's wrong with resting once in a while?
Wrath? Perhaps I could do without some of this, but then again, being passive never got me anywhere either...
Envy? Motivation to get something done!
Pride? Why shouldn't one be proud of one's accomplishments?”

So I have (with the help of former Religious Education teacher, Meeester) come up with some new ones. To help, he is currently wearing a frock to give the whole thing some gravitas.

And before we start, I’m not asking any of you to don some robes and join our cult or anything; we couldn’t be bothered with the hassle (we’ve a new dog and two kids, don’t you know? Cults cost! Ask David Koresh!)

See if you agree with the list:

Ignorance: I met a Polish bloke this morning at Asda. He did not want to nick my job, eat my baby or rob my house. Who knew? Yet that’s the kind of crap he’s up against. Fuck’s sake, haven’t the Nazis given them enough grief? None of us belong anywhere. Ignorance is killing this planet. This must be the number one sin.

God, I did a serious there. Normal service will be resumed shortly.


Selfishness: I’m alright Jack. Well, okay you might be but are your actions causing some one else distress? Think of that next time you sit next to someone in the cinema with some nachos and melted cheese, scarf the lot then proceed to fart throughout the film. Yes, bald fat bloke who ruined the Star Wars remastered version for me and my husband, I’m talking about you!


Superciliousness: No-one is better than anyone else. This is directly aimed at the Oil Widow Mum who felt sorry for me for “having to go back to work” after my daughter was born. I’m sorry, love. You, staying at home to raise your kids, does not directly contribute to society, especially since they are all brats and my kids are ace.

You just got yourself a meal ticket husband, and clearly no job that gave you any fulfillment, because if it had, then you’d go back to work now that they are both in school. Me, I like to pay my way. Call me a bad mother. Go on, I dare you.(And while we're at it, stop driving your kids the 500 metres to school in your SUV. Walk, you lazy cow.).


Violence: I’d like to kick the shit out of violent people.


Littering: My feelings on littering are well documented. But also can everyone buy a bag for life and just use it? And can the lady in our local shop stop looking at me like I’m demented for taking my own bag instead of her landfilling plastic alternatives? You know me, lady; stop sticking my stuff in placcy bags and make me have to tell you again! I’m not a hippy mentalist with hairy armpits! (Checks). Yeah!

Littering doesn’t just mean dropping litter, it also means causing it. I’m sorry I went all serious again.


Schadenfreude: I am guilty of this to a certain extent. I like to see girls I went to school with look shitter than me. Yes, schadenfreude is funny, some would even class it as a hobby. Not me.

But really, let’s be honest, it isn’t nice. Hilarious, but not nice…


Celebrity: It should be a sin to want to be famous. This is the single ambition of so many young people.

What happened to wanting to do something? Why do you think I set up Celebrity Litigation? (Please vote in the poll, we’re funny, honest. Well Farty is anyhow.)


I’d love to hear if there are any more contenders for the list. Because then I’d laugh at them for not being as good as mine, poke fun when you cried about it, trip you up when you ran away and step on your hands, blame you inadequacy on your orientation or race, eat loads of nachos in celebration and fart away, and drop the carton in the street on my way home. But I’d draw the line at appearing in Hello magazine…

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This post appears in the most excellent (and pious) Top Blog Magazine under the Category of "The 7 deadly sins"