Sharp Dressed Man

Meeester and Misssy before they were Mister and Missus (1992)

I met Meeester a long time ago. Sixteen years ago to be precise. It doesn’t seem that long until I look at old photos. Last weekend my sister brought down a suitcase full of unfiled photos and we all raked through them. A recurring theme was, “What the blazes is Meeester wearing?”

From the second I met Meeester I have been saving him from his own sartorial disasters. Here’s a catalogue of the worst ones.

The Boater and Apron Combo
I met Meeester seconds after we both graduated from our respective Universities. I had no job, he had a crappy one in a food court. Study hard, kids; that's what awaits you.

The first example of sartorial inelegance is unfair as it was not Meeester’s choice, but it is worth mentioning all the same. He had to wear a wine coloured apron, white shirt and black bow-tie. Oh, a Dick Van Dyke-esque straw boater hat. The Van Dyke element was not lost on Meeester who would routinely do tap dance routines “Jolly Holiday” style to entertain customers and colleagues. He is the only person I know to this day who was sacked for, “being too cheerful”.

The Kerosene Wardrobe
I may have mentioned that in the past that when I first went out with Meeester his bedroom was in a wasp infested cottage porch. His wardrobe was a large cardboard box that sat on top of a boiler. The boiler leaked all over the box and clothes. Still Meeester wore his kerosene infested clothes for months. He was the world’s first flammable boyfriend. I'm pretty sure that there's a coat somewhere in our basement that still whiffs a bit and may be a catalyst in a future house fire.

The Petrol Pump Jacket
Meeester had a friend who worked in an independent “trendy” clothes shop and gave him a discount. Meeester came back one day with a tight fitting silver zip up jacket with one red and one blue stripe down the front. He thought he looked great. We all struggled to put our feelings about the jacket into words, but then my mum hit the nail on the head when she said, “It’s like a petrol pump attendant’s jacket”. She hated it. We all did. Meeester loved it all the more.

On the run up to Christmas Meeester thought it would be funny to give my mum the jacket as a joke present seeing as the very sight of it upset her. On Christmas morning my mother unwraps the gift and we all have a good laugh at her disgust when she sees the Petrol Pump Jacket. She sees her chance and declares it hers to do whatever she will with the garment. Meeester never sees it again.

The Green Adidas Top
Around the time of the Park Life album by Blur Meeester acquires a bottle green Adidas tracksuit top. This enrages Misssy who is fundamentally anti sportgear worn as everyday wear. It is also neddy* and must go. Meeester loves it all the more.

Just before Misssy enters her last week of pregnancy with baby Indy, Misssy is concerned that Meeester will turn up at the hospital to greet the newborn in the green tracksuit top and enlists the help of Super Auntie-to-be, Misssy A.

Misssy A nicks the jacket and hides it in her car boot.

Indy is born and the tracksuit top is forgotten about until about six months later when Meeester is raking through the wardrobe looking for it. By that time Misssy A’s dilapidated ancient Mini has been sent to car heaven by way of a giant car crusher. With the tracksuit top still in the boot. Oh dear....

Oh and did I mention how wonderful Meeester is?

*International readers, I think you may not understand the word "ned" or "neddy". Ned in scotland means Non-Educated -Delinquent. I believe the word Chav and Schemey are UK synonyms. In US I think the phrase is "white trash". I would delighted to learn more words for this, as living in Scotland, I have many opportunities to use these terms.