Banned from the House of the Flying Martinis.
Here's my Christmas gift to you all. Cut it out and brandish at people or email to your friends and get yourself out of pre-Christmas Hell. Additions to the list welcome.
This year I will not be sending out Christmas cards. To help you understand why, I have compiled a list of possible reasons and I urge you to simply choose your favourite and go with it. Know that the non-receipt of a card is no indication of any diminishing of my love for you, and have a lovely Christmas.
Possible reasons that you won’t be getting a Christmas card from me this year:
1. I am on holiday in place where writing a Christmas card would get me imprisoned. Not worth the risk.
2. The thought of sitting down for an entire night writing the names of me and my family 150 times over on little bits of card may send me over the edge. So I won’t be doing it for my own sanity.
3. I am worried about the amount of paper used to facilitate this meaningless exercise. We need trees for other, more useful stuff, like breathing.
4. I had a traumatic paper cut experience last year with a Christmas card and although my therapist suggests that one day that I will have to write a card to get over it, I'm really only at the stage where I can calmly handle a pen without breaking out in a nervous rash.
5. I am trapped under something incredibly heavy and cannot get out from under it to write my Christmas cards.
6. I forgot.
7. I am converting to Islam. Infidels with your phoney Christmas cards!
8. No matter how many I send I will always forget to send somebody one and then I’ll get one from them and the guilt will ruin my Christmas.
9. Christmas cards make my house messy. They make your house messy. I’m doing your home décor a favour.
10. Christmas cards are not feng shui.
11. Postmen are over worked as it is. Give those lads a break.
12. I haven’t seen a lot of you in many years. I’d rather have an email from you telling me how life is going rather than simply read your name on a Christmas card each year. Or a visit, how about a visit instead of a card?
13. Christmas cards are a fire hazard. Have you any idea how many house fires are caused by Christmas cards coming into contact with ignition sources? I’m saving your life here!
14. Christmas is hectic enough wiothout this added hassle. Why don’t you join me and not write them too. Then we can get on with enjoying the run up to Christmas rather than having this yearly administrative nightmare to endure.
15. Men don’t write Christmas cards. Fact. It’s always left to the woman. I am making a feminist statement. Join me sisters!
16. The dog ate my Christmas cards.
17. My love for you cannot be adequately conveyed on a Christmas card, so why try?
18. Jesus didn’t like Christmas cards. Actual historical fact.
19. Penguins don’t wear Santa hats. Let’s quosh the stereotype before they get angry and raise a revolutionary army against us.
20. I am allergic to the sticky gum on Christmas card envelopes and may die if I lick it. Medical exemption. Have note from my Mum.