Penguins with clothes on: Banned from the House of the Flying Martinis.
Here's my Christmas gift to you all. Cut it out and brandish at people or email to your friends and get yourself out of pre-Christmas Hell. Additions to the list welcome.
Dear Friend,
This year I will not be sending out Christmas cards. To help you understand why, I have compiled a list of possible reasons and I urge you to simply choose your favourite and go with it. Know that the non-receipt of a card is no indication of any diminishing of my love for you, and have a lovely Christmas.
Possible reasons that you won’t be getting a Christmas card from me this year:
1. I am on holiday in place where writing a Christmas card would get me imprisoned. Not worth the risk.
2. The thought of sitting down for an entire night writing the names of me and my family 150 times over on little bits of card may send me over the edge. So I won’t be doing it for my own sanity.
3. I am worried about the amount of paper used to facilitate this meaningless exercise. We need trees for other, more useful stuff, like breathing.
4. I had a traumatic paper cut experience last year with a Christmas card and although my therapist suggests that one day that I will have to write a card to get over it, I'm really only at the stage where I can calmly handle a pen without breaking out in a nervous rash.
5. I am trapped under something incredibly heavy and cannot get out from under it to write my Christmas cards.
6. I forgot.
7. I am converting to Islam. Infidels with your phoney Christmas cards!
8. No matter how many I send I will always forget to send somebody one and then I’ll get one from them and the guilt will ruin my Christmas.
9. Christmas cards make my house messy. They make your house messy. I’m doing your home décor a favour.
10. Christmas cards are not feng shui.
11. Postmen are over worked as it is. Give those lads a break.
12. I haven’t seen a lot of you in many years. I’d rather have an email from you telling me how life is going rather than simply read your name on a Christmas card each year. Or a visit, how about a visit instead of a card?
13. Christmas cards are a fire hazard. Have you any idea how many house fires are caused by Christmas cards coming into contact with ignition sources? I’m saving your life here!
14. Christmas is hectic enough wiothout this added hassle. Why don’t you join me and not write them too. Then we can get on with enjoying the run up to Christmas rather than having this yearly administrative nightmare to endure.
15. Men don’t write Christmas cards. Fact. It’s always left to the woman. I am making a feminist statement. Join me sisters!
16. The dog ate my Christmas cards.
17. My love for you cannot be adequately conveyed on a Christmas card, so why try?
18. Jesus didn’t like Christmas cards. Actual historical fact.
19. Penguins don’t wear Santa hats. Let’s quosh the stereotype before they get angry and raise a revolutionary army against us.
20. I am allergic to the sticky gum on Christmas card envelopes and may die if I lick it. Medical exemption. Have note from my Mum.
10 comments:
21. It's Christmas?! Why didn't anyone say so - you'd think the shops would have had some lights or decorations up or something! If I had known then of course I would have sent you a card and a lovely present.
Too sarcastic perhaps...
22. The amount they cost, I either send out Christmas cards or have heating during the festive period. If you don't want our deaths on your conscience then please respect my non Christmas card stance.
Love it. I gave up on Christmas cards years ago.
23. Sending Christmas cards to people I see on a daily basis is ridiculous, and suggests I don't actually want to talk to them. I will, instead, walk across the office and wish them well.
(I only send cards to people I don't see often, and always write a proper note - not done on the computer and printed for a zillion people - along with them. Otherwise, completely pointless.)
24. I have cramp from doing the thousand or so cards for the kids.
25. writers block
I think you should e-mail a photo yourself in unusual garments. Everyone gets the same thing and wonders what you will wearing this year. How about Xena the Warrior Princess for this Xmas?
26. Even Mao, with his ingenius methods of torture, didn't go so far as forcing the population to write Christmas cards.
27. I can't afford to send cards at Christmas, what with buying presents and so on. I may remedy this by sending cards in July instead.
28. I'm an atheist and as such, I'm "at war" with Christmas! :)
Thanks for all yuor suggestions for additions to the list- all excellent in their own right. Special mention has to go to gorilla Bananas see through attempt to get me to dress up as Xena Warrior Princess. Will give it some thought, if only to improve my readership stats.
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