I am not sure what to make of this. Meeester, who is not a bad photographer has been tinkering with a Photshop-esque computer programme that is making us all too perfect. It's called Portrait Professional.
He's been transforming us all and sticking the results up on Facebook for our amusement. One even prompted one husband to comment on response to his wife's enhanced photo, that it looked like the photo of the actress that would play his wife in a TV biopic. I'm unsure if she has read the comment...
So what you do is you take your photo, warts and all (see PIC. A below) literally- find the wartiest one you can. There we go....
PIC Aand...you stick it in Portrait Professional and make yourself perfect....(see PIC B) ...like so.
PIC BI am not sure what to make of it. Part of me is delighted at the result. If Cameron Diaz can live by the pockmark vanishing airbrush, then so can I. Look, no wrinkles..! Look no blemishes...! look, perfect skin a la Lloyd Cole's muse. Champion!
"That's how I look in my head!" I scream (even though I have a little look of a Stepford Wife, I must admit).
But then Meeester puts them side by side for comparison and the depression sets in quicker than you can shout, "Help me, Gok Wan!".
Initial delight is quickly replaced with soul destroying discontent at the actual state of things. Nudging forty, as I am, it crystallises the bare faced fact that no amount of pento-pento-peptides with a range of antioxidant boswelox-bollox particles rammed roughly onto my epidermis by the very hands of Nadine Baggot can save me.
Further depression sets in when I realise that PIC A is the one I sent to the radio station to stick on the website a good few weeks before Meeester even discovered Portrait Professional.
In the words of plastic surgery veteran and rhinoplasty poster-girl, Cher..."if I could turn back time..."
Bugger!
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18 comments:
The first one has more character if you ask me. I can smell your rosy cheeks in the first one, but not in the second.
The second one makes you look like you have had work done or something, it doesn't look natural.
A bit like how Jude Law's skin looked in A.I. if you see what I mean.
We should all be happy with our imperfections, they're what make us unique.
Number 2 looks a bit strange and plastic, a bit Mila Jovovitch. I prefer a face to look a wee bit 'lived in' if you know what I mean. I'm not saying I prefer Fanny Cradock you understand, but I just prefer women who 'keep it real'.
...besides, I like freckles.
PS - Gok Wan scares the life out of me and I find it bizarre that women are more than happy to take fashion advice from a man who's name means 'Noisy Big City' in Chinese.
Gorilla: It does mess with your colouring somewhat. it's a machine's way of saying I need to calm down a bit.
Mark: I do have that android look don't I. It's quite chilling really, that dead look behind the eyes...
Inchy: Aaah freckles, the hangover of the seventies kid whose parents could buy no higher than afactor 7 suncream. No, I am at one with my freckles. I have long given up trying to erase them with lemon juice and a brillo pad.
All: Meeester has just said that if anyone wants "done over" by the Portrait programme, to send us a full face photo to my email address and over the next week he will email you back your airbrushed self. Make sure it's colour, B/w doesn't work so well:
email at: gillian@spontaneousproduction.co.uk
A) is lovely - I also plan to resist Stepfordism. Gok Wan? Don't even start on the scary 10 years younger woman. We earn our character lines (life, kids, dogs ...) Wear with pride! Great blog.
I don't really fancy the idea of being 'done over' by Meeester. I don't care if he's like a young Dougie Howser on a computer, my ugly mug is most definitely beyond help.
PIC B vaguely reminds me of those airbrushed portraits of Stalin, impossibly child-like while you know the sinister truth behind the featureless terrain.
And Pic A is taken with a flash, which slaps a giant blob of light on to your face, spotlighting every feature, washing out subtle shades and giving you a blue cast. Get him to photo you in some soft natural window light.
Better still, get him to shoot a video of you dancing like Kevin Bacon in 'Footloose'. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!
I want a meester err, original, one photo coming up.....
I think you look hot in them both ;oP
btk
Since Gok Wan has been mentioned, am I the only person who stumbled across Big Brother and thought, upon seeing Katryea, "Crikey Gok Wan has let himself go lately!"
Kate: hello and welcome to the Missives, I hope you'll be a regular.Yes those programmes are responsible for a lot of discontent, when we really should be more accepting of our true selves. But I have to say the 10 years Younger One does rely on surgery too much whereas, at least Gok embraces the real woman.
Inchy: You too could look like Stalin!
Bobo: That made me laugh. But I know exactly the kind of pics you mean. Next one I get him Meeester do I'll be sporting a fake tache!
Inchy: So very tempting....
BTW: Thanks for the compliment, nice of you to say so. I look forward to sending you your results!
Mark: Is that the cookie addict? I only watched them going in- haven't watched it since. I bet a cookie has never passed the lips of Gok.
I don't know either, I only caught a fleeting glimpse.
Honest...
I'm an idiot I sent it to your hotmail address, it's like the link you posted RIGHT THERE was invisible to me somehow. I'm such a geek.
Anyhow, beware, there's a picthekid in your hotmail inbox(don't worry it's zipped - you need never cast eyes on it) ;oP
btk
Mark: Oh surrrre....
BTK: Hotmail will work too. Don't worry. I have many guises. Some filled with spam, and some not.
I'm pretty!
I went to a girl's school full of the ugliest spinster teachers you've ever seen. I particularly remember an RE teacher we called 'Udders' who had tits LITERALLY down to her knees (no bra?) and had BO so bad you could smell her two floors up. We were always leaving roll on deoderants on her desk. We even made her cry once but she never got the hint and still continued to stink.
Ema: The RE teachers seem to come off worse (Meeester taught Religion and Philosophy before moving management-ward) Most RE teachers just get called Jesus- which I think is a bit flippin' lazy. Unless they are fat, then they get called Buddha.
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