Rightly so, folk have been having a dig at the daft names US Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin has given her kids. I’ve even had a pop of my own over at Celebrity Litigation, (the blog that should by now be ruling the world). Here’s an excerpt of Sarah Palin’s blog from the site:
"There I was, doing what every American Mom does, squeezing out my fifteen wholesome kids, Chip, Buck, Chuck, Champ, Chad, Chimp, Buddy, Trapper, Hawkeye, Radar, Bristol, Birmingham, Newcastle, BJ and the Bear, with not a thought to ever doing anything other than baking cookies and shooting elk. Gee ladies, why, I’m just like you!"
What’s clear to me is that Sarah and Todd couldn’t have living grandparents. It’s always the elderly Grandmas that pour cold water on your baby names and say something so piercing and offensive that your cherished favourite name becomes dust in front of your eyes.
“Gran, I like the name Neil, if it’s a boy”
“Nooo, there was a boy at my school called ‘Daft Neilly’. Smelt of kippers, he did. Peed his pants at the Nativity Play. Whole school saw it happen.Used to eat his bogies....ahh daft Neilly....wonder if he’s dead, now.....”
Or,
“I’m thinking of Skye for the baby”
“Sky? Sky???? That’s not a real name, is it? For goodness sake. The kid’ll not know what it is! Sky?? As in Sky in the (points) ...sky? Or TV company Sky? Which is it? I don’t know... you lot. I was just saying to Ella McKinnon the other day ‘What’s wrong with names like Susan or Julie? Or naming after the grandparents’...Hmmm? What happened to THAT, eh?”
All the same, some intervention can be called for. In 1992 there were a set of female twins born in Rottenrow Maternity Hospital in Glasgow called Mercedes and Pocahontas. I didn’t check back the year when the big Disney film was Toy Story but you can bet there were some Woodys and Buzzes.
And then after the birth of Brooklyn Beckham, progeny of David and Victoria, there was a whole raft of kids called after where they were conceived. Records from the Possilpark area of Glasgow show there are five kids called Bench and another six called Shelter. In fact, maybe that's why Sarah Palin's kid is called Track. Hmmm? (The filthy cow.) I'd say the same for Bristol except we all know for a fact that Palin has never left the borders of the US.
And what about this year? What’s the out-there baby name for this year? Heath could feature, but that’s passable and inoffensive enough, if you discount the fact that you are naming your kid after a depressed borderline junkie suicidal actor who is most famous for spitting on his hands in preparation for some lovin’ in a tent up yonder Brokeback Mountain. Get over that and Heath would be perfectly nice for a wee toot.
Gwen Stefani may also have started a trend with naming her kid after the exact noises she made whilst pushing him out, but that could lead to some quite nasty surprises, if you follow through with that decision, I’ll wager.
Gwen carrying baby Zuma Nesta Rock
And talking of baby names, as we are. What’s always good for a laugh is asking your parents what their second choice names for you were. Or the name they would have given you if you’d been of the opposite sex. Mine are quite odd, I have to admit (and no offence meant if any have the same names as any of these, btw. I'm allowed to josh, I was nearly called them.).
Apparently I was going to be a Kenneth if I was a boy. What the blazes? My parents were Bob Dylan fans, what’s wrong with either Bob or Dylan? I could have coped with that. But I’m not a Ken, Kenny or Kenneth; I know that for sure. Kenny’s a guy who can fix your guttering or do your tax return. Kenny’s not a windswept and interesting artiste with an eye for the ladies that won’t be tied down and owns a helicopter.*
And also in the running for my girl’s name was Janice. Janice?? Not even cool Janis Joplin spelling, but the uncool -I.C.E ending. Eeek. Janice is a woman who struggles with her weight, has a top-lip hair problem and works at the library. Janice is not someone who wins a Bafta under the age of 21 and then goes on to have a successful career as a reknowned character actress! Not that I’m any of these things, but I’m just saying...
Anyway as luck would have it, my Gran got in there first and ruined both names for my parents. How, I can only guess.
* I know of at least one Ken that reads the blog- so please accept my apologies, Ken, if you are any of these things. And if it's the helicopter thing, then...cool!
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39 comments:
Smiled a lot - loved the bit about park and bench! I've heard that Native American Indians name their children after the first thing they see when they are born. That could start a whole new trend in babies being names after pieces of hospital equipment or street furniture. Have you noticed how many family names are trade related?
You know Miller, Archer, Smith and so on (I did notice one American sprinter named Hooker during the Olympics but I don't want to lower the tone of this piece). Wouldn't it be strange if we kept the same practice today Jane Senior Accounts Manager, Steve Human Resources etc.
But if you'd actually been named Janice you might think it was a great name. Not many people dislike their own names. Emma K (née Serena) was one who didn't and simply changed it. The Mermaid has a very odd name and likes it.
My mate Innes told me there are twins in Greenock called, put down your coffee first...
Armani and Versace
which I can see as a choice as enviable fashion entrepreneurs, however the surname, McClatchie.
That's right,
Armani and Versace McClatchie
*Rolls eyes*
Text: You couldn't possibly lower the tone!Your native American comment reminds me of the punchline of a joke. The punchline is: "Well, that's an interesting story, Two Dogs Humping"
..you can compile the rest from there...
Gorilla: Yeah, Janice is Ok, really, I suppose. I wonder about all the ladies named Fanny that have queued up at the Deed Poll Office over the years.
BTK: Great. And I don't doubt it for a second. I've heard quite a few kids called Chardonnay also- one in our village, I believe. I love the aspirational character of some of these chavvy kids' names. I often wonder if there's an Archimedes or a Pythagoras running about Logie Avenue. I'd love to think so. My pal swears she heard a mother bawling out the name "Charlemagne!!!" in What every Woman Wants in Glasgow some years back. I'm still laughing about that.
Lovely post, Misssy M, thank God for grannies.
Not sure if my Oma and Opa intervened to stop my Dutch mum (Wilhelmina) thinking that Rembrandt or Resolveert might be inconspicuous round these parts. Or my Polish dad insist on Jaroslav or Mieczyslaw, despite only being Henryk himself.
But I'm grateful for only having a funny foreign surname.
I don't really see you as a Kenneth, no more than I see myself as a 'Frank'. I'm sure I'd have been fine as a Frank well until Shameless arrived on the box.
As for girls names they changed mine last minute to Sharon. 'Apparently' it wasn't that common back then. Oh and the hilarity that was to be had when I worked alongside a girl called Tracey.
Loved this. I was going to be Heather, apparently, until they decided to go with another normal name but spell it weirdly. And I can't believe Armani and Versace from Greenock! Kappa and Burberry, I might have swallowed. And last but not least about 15 years ago now I remember hearing a young mum (she looked about 15 herself) shouting to her child "Whitney! Yer tea's ready!" I always liked to assume her surname was McClafferty or similar.
McBobo: Exciting European ancestry there Bobo! I always think that if ever became well known enough to go on that family tree show, "Who do you Think you Are?" that I would never leave Glasgow...dull.
Digz: Yeah I've got a pretty Seventies name as well. I'm waiting for it to come back into vogue.
Loth: I'd love to think there's a kid out there called Burberry. Male or female though?
Your comment about grandparents ruining things is so true! Me and my partner have so far suggested 7 of our favourite baby names and there is always something wrong with the names!! arghhhhhhhhhh!
My mom wanted to name me Tracy. But, my dad would have none of that. I was to be given a German name since they were German and that was that.
Parents and grandparents always have a way of letting you know they're not keen on the baby name you've chosen. My mother in law would suggest a different name each time I would come up with a name. Me: What about Benjamin? Her: Adam! I really like the name Adam.
I just realised I have stupid kids names too actually. My son was named when I was abroad and got a girl's name - Jordan, wtf!! The first time I heard the name Jordan was in The Great Gatsby and it was a girl. Also, there's Katie Jordan Price, who's definitely female - we've all seen the proof.
My oldest girl is named Billie-Jo. Partly as I'm Billy and she's a girl. I still need to suffix it with "...if that IS your real name" whenever I address her.
My parents called me Gordon because apparently it couldn't be shortened to anything else, so I assume that 'Gordy' came as something of a disappointment.
By the way, I've also heard the Armani story and a bloke at I used to work with had a friend whose kid was called 'Fendi'. I'm told it's an Italian designer brand, but I still don't know if the child was male or female.
Baby names; hello and Welcome to the Misssives. But how many have stepped in and stopped abominations, though! How many Kylies, Moonunits, Pixies, and Peaches have they stopped from happening? Go grans, keep speaking your minds and raining on parades in your own inimitable ways! (I'm only saying that becuase I've finished with the baby naming business...)
Heidi: Loving the name Heidi. to think of the Teutonic horrors you could have been saddled with. Try Adelheid or Edeltraud for size!
BTK: I know several boy Jordans, actually. And surely Billie-Jo is just the coolest name..and reminiscent of the Ballad of Billie Jo McAllister, which is a great song (but let's ignore the lyrics....)
Inchy: Or Gogs which is worse. And a prize must surely go to the person who can proves that a kid called Adidas exists.
Maybe we should have something like the Icelandic Naming Commission.
I'm a big fan of Icelandic singer Emiliana Torrini, or to give her her full name, Emiliana Torrini Davidsdottir, after her Italian father Davide Torrini.
That would make me Gordon Andrewsson.
Hold the front page!
I've just discovered something important: there's a Bristol Bay in Alaska :)
Inchy: oh I like that!
Ro: I rest my case. The filthy outdoor shagging vixen. Dogging, that's what we call that here. Dogging, Sarah, love. What does Jesus think of THAT, hmm?
Come on now Misssy, everyone knows that God put secluded wooded areas here to test our faith and chastity.
I was going to be Trevor or Alisdair/Alistair. I've never been a massive fan of my Christian name but it's better than frickin Trevor!
My Dad wanted to call me Nefertitti because me Mum couldn't breastfeed. Instead I got named after my dead uncle Hymie...... Thank god I was a girl so Helen was as close as they could get. And this madness happened in the 50's no less
My name if I'd been a girl was Amanda, as I recall. Pretty tame compared to today's lot.
It's getting late; I'd better put Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence to bed.
This is perfect timing.
The Vice Presidental Debate was last night (but you knew that already didn't you?) and our household is still recovering. You see, we decided to make a drinking game out of it. Every time Palin said "Maverick" or professed to love America.
Let's just say, it's slo-o-ow going today.
Gretchen Moll has a child called Ptolomy, that's pretty bad. Jason Lee called his kid Pilot Inspektor. I believe that Victoria Beckham will call their next kid Golden Balls - the nickname for Becks - as a tribute to the two golden sacs that hold his golden sperm.
"Try Adelheid or Edeltraud for size!"
I actually know an Adelheid and an Edeltraud. Also...wait for it....an Uwe and a Hedwig!
I was going to be Sean if I was a boy, which is fine. And up until the week before I arrived, Kim was the first choice girl's name, except my mum met an alsation dog called Kim, which kind of spoilt it.
(In my last job I met a little girl called - honestly - Tequila. Poor, poor thing.)
Jaggy: I had always assumed that Jaggy was short for some funky name like Jaguar,named afteryour Dad's favourite car,or something. No?
Helen:Hello and welcometothe Misssives. Ouch! Hymie wouldn't have been good.I know it's an old Jewish name and I don't want to diss that or anything, but let's face it,it DOES sound like "hymen." It would be like calling your girl Vaginica.
Farty: I'm now calling Junior Misssy "Violence" as a nickname. It just seems to suit her,somehow. Precious!
Ann: We've taped it(couldn't stay up that late- time diff) but plan on watching it tonight. May try that game. But I'm guessing that even alcohol couldn'tmakeitany funnierthanitisalready. (if it weren't for the fact that it's true and we're all shitting ourselves that she makes it)
Emma: What crazy shit was Jason Lee and his Missus onwhen they named that kid? Gimme some!
Heidi: Hedwig is a beezer. I'm short-listing that for our next tom cat.
Cat: Tequila??? Can you you be laying yourself open to an investigation by the social any more obviously?? You are effectively saying, "I drank heavily through pregnancy". What about Angeldust for a girl,or Ecstacy. Both beautiful names forteh modern baby.
Can I just apologise for that last comment.I'm on my Mum's laptop and the spacebar doesn't appear to be working. canyoutell?
Missy - I was at a loss to understand your reply - until I saw your later comment about dogging. It reminded me of all those all wonderful English town names that sound like verbs: Reading, West Wittering (should Westminster adopt this name?) Kettering and, my personal favourite, Dorking. I suspect that is something that geeks do -though maybe it has a more noble lineage.
If you think that's bad, maybe you should visit Shitterton in Dorset, Hardon Road in Woverhampton, or Lickey End in the West Midlands. All genuine.
Personally, Shag Harbour in Nova Scotia, Canada sounds like my kinda town!
I was nearly a Suzanne or a Margaret Mary !
I teach parenting skills as part of my job now and the names are getting much more adventurous, I had a Jobie Wadd a few years ago, he'd have lasted 10 minutes in a Glasgow playground !
Aw stop your whinging, Kenneth. I was going to be Rowland (with a "w" if you please), if I'd been a male person. If I had been a boy named Rowland, I would have given my left nut to be saddled with Kenneth instead.
Ahh that's rich, thanks for sharing it.
hahahahaha Hubby wanted to call our baby ROCKY if it were to be a boy!!
For a start, our dog is named Rocco!! and secondly... HELL NO!!! xx
Text: here is the joke in full.
A young native American boy asks the tribal chief,”Grandfather why do all of us Indians have strange names?”
He replies,”Well son in the dawn of the day into which the young were born, the indian brave will leave his teepee.
The first thing he see’s will be the name of his young.”
“Like your sister, Running Deer, the first thing your father saw was a running deer and,your brother Flying Eagle, the first thing your father saw was a flying eagle.
Now do you understand me, Two Dogs Humping?”
(It's funnier when you're drunk)
Gwen: That is hilarious- surely that boy could sue his parents.
XUP: OK Rowland, you win...Regards, Kenny
Vincent: Hello and welcome to the Misssives. Not sharing your second choice name, no?
Giggle: Also remind him of the kid Rocky Dennis in that film Mask. Unfortunate, that. Still, there's always Sly Stallone connotations. Who wouldn't want those? I'm a bit the same- I gave one of my favourite names to my (now 16 year old cat) Harley. Harley is a COOL name. Wasted on a cat, really.
Arrived by way of Black Box; I love the way you write, very entertaining, you crack me up.
Amanda: Hello and Welcome to the Misssives. Gosh I thought the balck box phenom was petering out. So many visitors all at once and then burn out! Glad you made it over and I hope you'll return.
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Satria: Hello and Welcome to the Misssives. I will!
Know I am a bit late on this one but I almost freaked when I first clapped eyes on Sarah Palin. She is the spit of on ex of mine (Talking early 80's here). She really is...Very scarily so!
On a slightly different note, vegetables given cool names attract kids more to have them. ‘Tomato Bursts’ eg. has been liked by the adults too. Sales growth probability is also there.
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