Rightly so, folk have been having a dig at the daft names US Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin has given her kids. I’ve even had a pop of my own over at Celebrity Litigation, (the blog that should by now be ruling the world). Here’s an excerpt of Sarah Palin’s blog from the site:
"There I was, doing what every American Mom does, squeezing out my fifteen wholesome kids, Chip, Buck, Chuck, Champ, Chad, Chimp, Buddy, Trapper, Hawkeye, Radar, Bristol, Birmingham, Newcastle, BJ and the Bear, with not a thought to ever doing anything other than baking cookies and shooting elk. Gee ladies, why, I’m just like you!"
What’s clear to me is that Sarah and Todd couldn’t have living grandparents. It’s always the elderly Grandmas that pour cold water on your baby names and say something so piercing and offensive that your cherished favourite name becomes dust in front of your eyes.
“Gran, I like the name Neil, if it’s a boy”
“Nooo, there was a boy at my school called ‘Daft Neilly’. Smelt of kippers, he did. Peed his pants at the Nativity Play. Whole school saw it happen.Used to eat his bogies....ahh daft Neilly....wonder if he’s dead, now.....”
“I’m thinking of Skye for the baby”
“Sky? Sky???? That’s not a real name, is it? For goodness sake. The kid’ll not know what it is! Sky?? As in Sky in the (points) ...sky? Or TV company Sky? Which is it? I don’t know... you lot. I was just saying to Ella McKinnon the other day ‘What’s wrong with names like Susan or Julie? Or naming after the grandparents’...Hmmm? What happened to THAT, eh?”
All the same, some intervention can be called for. In 1992 there were a set of female twins born in Rottenrow Maternity Hospital in Glasgow called Mercedes and Pocahontas. I didn’t check back the year when the big Disney film was Toy Story but you can bet there were some Woodys and Buzzes.
And then after the birth of Brooklyn Beckham, progeny of David and Victoria, there was a whole raft of kids called after where they were conceived. Records from the Possilpark area of Glasgow show there are five kids called Bench and another six called Shelter. In fact, maybe that's why Sarah Palin's kid is called Track. Hmmm? (The filthy cow.) I'd say the same for Bristol except we all know for a fact that Palin has never left the borders of the US.
And what about this year? What’s the out-there baby name for this year? Heath could feature, but that’s passable and inoffensive enough, if you discount the fact that you are naming your kid after a depressed borderline junkie suicidal actor who is most famous for spitting on his hands in preparation for some lovin’ in a tent up yonder Brokeback Mountain. Get over that and Heath would be perfectly nice for a wee toot.
Gwen Stefani may also have started a trend with naming her kid after the exact noises she made whilst pushing him out, but that could lead to some quite nasty surprises, if you follow through with that decision, I’ll wager.
Gwen carrying baby Zuma Nesta Rock
And talking of baby names, as we are. What’s always good for a laugh is asking your parents what their second choice names for you were. Or the name they would have given you if you’d been of the opposite sex. Mine are quite odd, I have to admit (and no offence meant if any have the same names as any of these, btw. I'm allowed to josh, I was nearly called them.).
Apparently I was going to be a Kenneth if I was a boy. What the blazes? My parents were Bob Dylan fans, what’s wrong with either Bob or Dylan? I could have coped with that. But I’m not a Ken, Kenny or Kenneth; I know that for sure. Kenny’s a guy who can fix your guttering or do your tax return. Kenny’s not a windswept and interesting artiste with an eye for the ladies that won’t be tied down and owns a helicopter.*
And also in the running for my girl’s name was Janice. Janice?? Not even cool Janis Joplin spelling, but the uncool -I.C.E ending. Eeek. Janice is a woman who struggles with her weight, has a top-lip hair problem and works at the library. Janice is not someone who wins a Bafta under the age of 21 and then goes on to have a successful career as a reknowned character actress! Not that I’m any of these things, but I’m just saying...
Anyway as luck would have it, my Gran got in there first and ruined both names for my parents. How, I can only guess.
* I know of at least one Ken that reads the blog- so please accept my apologies, Ken, if you are any of these things. And if it's the helicopter thing, then...cool!
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