A Jason Orange in my Stocking

Bassey:

Not invited back this year after she cheated at Cranium

Another year, another barrage of frickin’ Christmas fantasy punting commercials. This year we’ve got the Markies models having a lovely Christmas with the boys of Take That in a inconceivably large chocolate box home covered in mythical snow.

All your clichés are there:

> Lingerie
> Harmony
> Fun
> Goodwill
> Jolly japes and
> Nobody having to sleep on a camp bed with a jagged spoke piercing their side through the canvas.

This is about as far removed from actual Christmas as you can conceivably get, yet it is the Christmas we strive for. Admittedly maybe without the members of Take That. The presence of Gary Barlow would just make me uneasy.

It’s just another example of the Christmas Lie.

The ad is missing so many things that make a UK Christmas what it really is. Here’s a list I made, but feel free to add your own.

1. Elderly people who hate every aspect of everything that’s about to happen in the festive 24 period. Except the Christmas Eastenders edition which must be watched in silence whilst devouring a full size packet of Rennies and a box of Orange Matchmakers.

2. Uncles who drink everything in sight, including emptying out the innards of chocolate liqueurs, discarding the choco carcasses for the dog to hoover up and are then found slumped in the garden looking like Jack Nicolson in the final scene of The Shining, after they’ve been noticed as missing after three hours.

3. A big ol’ family argument, based on nothing really, but fuelled by stress, booze and Trivial Pursuit.

4. At least one person who you haven’t seen since Christmas day last year. Possibly a widowed friend of your parents who keeps on remarking how nice everything is, even in the midst of a kitchen meltdown after your Dad has realised he didn’t switch on the oven three hours ago, as instructed.

5. Drunk Uncle dressing up as Santa and traumatising the kids.

6. Someone with the Norovirus stomach bug.

7. A war between those who want crappy Chrissy telly on versus those who want party games.

8. Someone giving the dog a whiskey.

9. A snoring Dad or Grandad who has crashed and burned by 5pm and into whose open mouth the kids will try and pitch rolled up Quality Street papers from a distance for points.

10. Great Grandad waking up in the middle of the night, forgetting where he was and being caught just about to have a wee in the airing cupboard.

So what else is missing?

(The ad is here if you need to see it again. Vomit bag not supplied. The Misssives takes no responsibility for any urges to firebomb Marks and Spencers after viewing.)