How to Get Ahead in Advertising

I don’t know whether any of you noticed (or cared) that about six months ago I put advertising on The Misssives. It was either that or the TenaLady sponsorship deal, and I wasn't prepared to wear the shirt with the logo and drive the car with the giant sized replica on the roof, so I went for Google Adsense instead.

Like many of you, I'd done a bit of research, mainly through others' blogs, and I thought that it might pay for my broadband charges at the very least. But who am I kidding, I thought that it might enable me to make more frequent purchases of quality footwear and shiny things. All for writing stuff I was going to write anyway.

The Misssives seems to get a fair amount of traffic, and I figured that maybe I was missing a trick. What would be the harm? Two little boxes with ads relevant to my subject matter. All that has to happen is for browsing visitors to fancy a little bit of what’s on offer (Sexy Scottish Women seemed to feature a lot- what’s not to like?) Fair enough. Show me the money, Tom!

Ah but it’s not about traffic though, is it? It’s about people reading your blog then diverting their attention like sheep suddenly noticing an approaching turnip truck, and clicking the ad in rabid purchase lust. You lot are smarter than that. The figures prove it.

I decided to give it six months and then review the situation. I have now done this and the ads are now firmly off. Frankly, I wish I'd never been seduced. Here’s why:

I made $25 in six months. (Shouts stage left:"Cancel the building crews for the Greek villa! There's been a change of plan!")

Money making through blogging is a bloody lie. However, I now know what stuff you all like to buy.

So, who bought the incontinence pads after wetting their pants laughing at family argument causing saga, Well Hard Wedding? Hmmm?
And who immediately turned and frantically signed up to Scottish Gay Singles advertised when I wrote a post called Girl, I’m Gonna Take you to a Gay Bar? Hmmmmm?
And who rented a cottage for two in the Highlands after feeling all romantic after readiing about how Meeester and I met? Hmmmm?

I know, I know it all!!!

No I don’t. It’s bollocks, there isn’t even that kind of payback.

So, blog advertising; don’t do it, it’s a waste of time. Only career American Blogger Dooce was able to afford to make blogging her day job and that’s only because she lost her real job because of blogging about her workmates and that karma is bad. Fun to read, the evidence suggests, but bad. You don’t want a piece of it. She’s friendless and regretful. Albeit, rich friendless and regretful.

So there you go; there’s no such thing as a free potato. What a great phrase that is! Copyright me. Yes, I just made that one. No, you can’t use it. You can rent it. See? See what the brush with commercialism has done to me? Sorry, have the potato phrase on me.

So how could I have earned that same money without trying over the last six months without soiling my lovely Misssives with invitations to buy Viagra and Rohipnol? I've thought of a few.

1. I could have mineswept under my bed for coppers and probably made more.

2.I could have checked the pockets and trousers I’ve not worn recently for notes. There’s always a secret twenty hiding somewhere; it’s a Law of Physics.



3. I could have done what we used to when we were kids and scoured the neighbourhood for empty “bottles of ginger”. Those 20p returns on a bottle of Irn Bru can really mount up. Help ma Boab, I’ve just turned in to Oor Wullie**.



4. I could have bought own brand shopping for a week and saved the cash. But really, the thought, darlings! Ugh!



5. I could have taken a photo of Sonny the Black Menace and pimped him out to a pet calendar.



6. I could stuck my hat down on the pavement and have interpretive danced for an hour beside that American Christian fella with the dyed black hair and the big guitar who stands outside marks and Spencers in Aberdeen and wants us all to follow the ways of Jesus.



6. I could have sent a funny story into Chat, Take a Break, or Bella magazine and got the £25 prize. I think the one about Indy pretending to be the monkey police. Chat loves a monkey story. The back issues speak for themselves.

Still, I’ve got $25 which I believe roughly translates as £1.16 in Sterling at the moment. What to do with it all?!

I am reminded of the words of the late great Bill Hicks* on the subject of advertising....hmmm but this a family blog and I don’t want to offend my sponsors.







*You’ll have to go to Youtube if you don’t get my reference. But really, Bill Hicks? You don’t know who Bill Hicks is? Tut, tut.





**You'll have to awa an beil yer heid if you don't know who Oor Wullie is. Anyone outside Scotland may struggle, but Google him anyway. Jings, he's a National Treasure!




"Scunnert"

Don't ever miss a Misssive, subscribe!