Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Bum Ass

Last week I tore a strip off some teenage lads in a public swimming pool (a swimming pool, yes, although not as you know them; Aberdeen’s public swimming pools are 1C away from ice rinks). My Victor Meldewesque admonishing was in response to extreme swearing in front of my kids.

“Hoy there!” I said shouting a phrase that is universally only used when chastising teenagers, ”That’s enough of that!” (ditto), “Not in front of wee kids, eh?”

The effing and jeffing momentarily stopped and later, as the boys were being turfed out of the pool by similarly aged attendants for stabbing small children with metal forks that they had secreted in their Speedos (true!), I smirked in their direction with a “that’ll learn ya!” self satisfied smirk. They hadn’t seen me get out of the glorious Mini, so my paintwork couldn’t be associated with me and my middle-aged finger waving ways.

Later, I was telling the story to a friend and I realised that my kids and their associates have come out with their own choice phrases on their own, and didn't need any coaching from teenagers. Some of it possibly in response to hearing other family members (not me, just my Mum and my husband*)slip the odd colourful phrase out.

Here’s some absolute beauties:

Junior Misssy

Situation: On being assaulted by a jumping Black Menace whilst sat on the sofa minding her own business.

Phrase: “Fuxsake Sonny!! Get down!”

That was last year. I blame her father.

Darling Curly Niece

Situation: Called her Dad this a couple of weeks ago in a fit of rage.

Phrase: “You hairy bum-ass. You worm licking bum-ass!”**


My two year old (but now 10 year old) toddling son shouted “Bloody flies!” as a bluebottle bombed its way into the kitchen one summer; a hall mark catchphrase of his dishtowel wielding gran.

Jnr. Misssy's chum

Then last week, I asked my daughter’s friend why they didn’t have their Jack Russell anymore. “Because he’s a complete pain in the arse,” she said very matter or factly, like she was discussing a canine medical condition.

Small party guest with Tourette's Syndrome

A small boy from my daughter’s nursery class stole the show last year when my husband did his, now legendary, magic show at Junior Misssy’s birthday party. Already reeling from another boy’s heckle of “You’re not magic!” Meeester was verbally assaulted by a small blond boy who, apropos of nothing, shouted “You’ve got shitty shoes!”. And then once the adults in the room did a “Did you just hear what I just heard?” glanceathon, he piped up, “You’ve got shit on your shoes” as if to clarify his initial statement. Aside from this slander( Meeester patently did not have shit on his shoes. In fact, I doubt he was wearing any shoes, as this would be a breach of our “No Shoe Policy”) it was the randomness of his comments that surprised me most.

In consideration of all the above infant transgressions, I feel an apology coming on to the fork wielding ASBO dodging orators of Inverurie Swimming Pool. Ah...nope, the feeling’s gone...yes, that’s it.... it’s away now. I’m fine. As you were.

*(Y’see I say that because I know my Mum reads the Misssives. Bet you a tenner she’s called me on the phone before she even gets to this bit!)

** This is now my favourite phrase of all time. You wait, you’ll be calling someone a “Bum-ass” too before the week’s out. It’s for times when “bum” or “ass” just aren’t enough on their own.

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Insch Stalker said...

oooh 'rurie pool, you brave woman - are you in training for an expedition to the Antarctic? Surely thats the only reason to try and freeze your behind off there... westhill or huntly is warmer ;)

notkeith said...

Hello! I was rather taken with your idea about blog post-related pics so I've dedicated the first to you. Hope you like it.

Jaggy said...

Ah, Roger Melly. Many a sweary adorned T-Shirt of his I wore when I was an impressionable teen.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever heard Jnr swear, which is doubly astonishing considering how often he hears a typical conversation between Mrs Jaggy and I.

J said...

that's funny! i'm amazed (or not) at how many of my chinese kids, who speak limited english, have somehow managed to pick up on the f word!

Anonymous said...

Yeah it's quite bad when you kind of forget they are in the back car seat and you have a little bit of a road rage on and then later on your kid asks your wife what "wanker" means. That happened to a friend of mine.

OK, I'm kiddng no one. That happened to me.


Anonymous said...

Oh and thanks for the books! Got them yesterday!


EmmaK said...

oh yes kids are little sponges aren't they? So why does my five year old never repeat all the German phrases I am trying to teach her? yet can seamlessly speak swearology from 'oh for fux sake!' to 'why don't you change lanes you bastard!' no idea where she heard this stuff ;)

JES said...

Back in the ignorant days of the 1970s, I had a friend who was a clinical psychologist. He didn't tell tales out of school about his own clients, but he did have a tape recording of a client of someone else, which he played for us one night.

The patient in question suffered from what Dan told us was called "barking-dog syndrome." He may have just been dumbing it down for us, or maybe Tourette's didn't have that name then.

In any case, the tape was simply a recording of a monologue in which she was describing someone she knew (maybe her therapist? dunno). It concluded in a (sorry, no other word seems to fit) crazy spiral of obscenity and profanity that left us breathless with laughter. (I think most of us were simply envious, wishing we could be so... so... inventively vitriolic.)

It concluded with a long, drawn-out phrase which to this day can reduce us to tears: " aaaaasss!"

I hope the kids in your little catalog here carry the memories of these useful expressions into adult life!

scarlet-blue said...

I can't say 'ass'... I'm more of an arse type of person..

bigrab said...

My ten year old daughter called two friends who had given her some aggro on Messenger "a pair of big faced cows!" this evening.

Mr Farty said...

Fave niece has a daughter, about four years old at the time, who must have been upset at her mother for some reason. Presumably. As she suddenly exclaimed:
"Bugger bitch! Got no fuckin' business!"

Why yes, she did get leathered. How did you guess?

Alex X said...

I love the way kids try out a sweary on their parents just to road test it. In fact I can remember doing it myself.

Duck said...

Mmm. My Tiddler's been testing out the swearing boundaries in a fairly subtle and sophisticated way. I'm secretly impressed while maintaining an outwardly shocked and disappointed stance. The latest is asking to be allowed to singalongalilyallen when she's effing and jeffing on The Fear

XUP said...

Well, you'd certainly never hear young people speaking like that on this side of the ocean!! They're too busy shoving super-sized meals into pie-holes to do much but mumble now and again.

Cat said...

I'm almost as susceptible to other people's swearing phrases as I am to music. For this reason, the phrase "whorebag" (pronounced "hoooorbag") keeps popping out of my mouth. Fortunately I manage to say it quietly and mainly at home, and hope that something replaces it soon.

Kate Lord Brown said...

Bless them. One of my favourites is 'blidiot' (3 year old). Also unable to say 'dump truck' yet so comes out as 'dum f***'. The pilot thought it would be 'hilarious' to teach him to say 'ass-hoooole' like 'Meet the Fockers' so we recently added that to our repertoire too. Though a random Tourette's style 'BOOOBIES' or 'BUM!' yelled in the middle of supermarket/street/coffee shop is his favourite.

Misssy M said...

Insch stalker: Inverurie is tropical compared to Dyce. I once saw a family of Polar Bears complain at Dyce Pool.

NotKeith: Like it??? I am on the verge of getting a run of t-shorts done with it on!

Jaggy: Maybe it works like that- all kids want to be different from their folks!

J: the world over everyone knows the word "Fuck". There is nothing funnier than a foreign national swearing in English.

Steve: My great pleasure- hoping you don't nearly knock down any wankers this week!

Emma: Simple solution: start swearing in German.

JES: My brother in law, when a 8 year old plonked himself down at the dinner table in front of his Dad's dinner guests and said "I don't know about you lot, but I've had a fucking hard day.."

Scarlet: Bum-arse- yup, it works too. Have with my compliments.

Rab: In the words of the great Roy Walker,"Say what you see!"

Mr F: There's trying some stuff out for size and then there's going for it!

Alex: What also happens for a while is you get your kid asking you if every new word they hear is a sweary.

Duck: If she's rapping it there's money to be made. Just ask Marshall Mathers.

XUP: I don't believe a word of it- fat kids are the most foul mouthed lot I've ever come across ;)

Cat: Take "Bum-ass"- it's almost cute.

Kate: Junior Missy has started to read these past few months. I am currently writing to French Connection to ask them to change their, frankly tired, FCUK ad campaign.

Anonymous said...

You're in the Telegraph online with this post:


Fred Smilek said...

Kids learn to say bad words since they are 2 from their older brothers or sisters or even parents, it's amazing how fast the learn. Fred Smilek is the acting president of the Society to Save Endangered Species. It was founded two years ago by Fred Smilek along with his two best friends Charles and Jonathan. []

Misssy M said...

Steve: thanks for letting me know. I believe the current vernacular is "stoked".

Fred: I'd say"especially" parents...

Heidi said...

hmmmm....thinking of a time when bum-ass could come in handy. I'm thinking really any time will do.

This is a funny post.