Keanu Reeves
I have written before about how my job can bring out strange emotions in people. Appear somewhere with a camera and folk have a tendency to act like complete jerks. In my last post about my strange job over a year ago, I talked about the usual kind of nonsense comment I and my colleagues are subjected to from punters in the mildly irritating world of corporate video.
I said this:
There are common phrases that people I come across during my job say to me like it’s the first time I’ve ever heard them. Problem is, these people are paying you, so you can’t respond to them like they are annoying drunks that accost you in a nightclub.You must chuckle as if it is indeed the first time you have ever heard the following laughsome nuggets:
"Hey Misssy, I’m not doing my interview 'til I’ve seen my trailer! Hehehehehe!
"Hey Misssy, when’s my shower scene? Hehehehehehe!”
(Shouted to the bloke you're filming by a workmate), “Hoi Jim, you’ll be getting your Equity card next! Hehehehehe!” (Much laughter from both parties)
(Shouted to the bloke you're filming by a workmate), “Hoi Jim, you need a touch more makeup mate!” (Much laughter from both parties)
“Hey Misssy, does your wee dog bite?” (gesturing to the furry windshield for the mic)
What I didn’t blog about was the annoyance and paranoia that you are sometimes subjected to as a camera crew when you appear at a worksite of any description. I wish I could say it were rare but sadly it isn’t. Very often the folk who’ve commissioned you to do a programme in their worksite neglect to tell the workforce that you will be filming them. Or worse, they have told them and they’ve all run away. A mixture of the two happened in Canada.
However, in the shoot in question worse happened, and me and my cameraman were subjected to something that I’ve only experienced a couple of times in my increasingly long and drawn out career as a corporate video director; aggression, paranoia, hostility and Parental Advisory language.
The Paranoia
We’re there for three whole days. We’re filming drills and safety notices and safety inductions. It’s dull. Yet I could match every Canadian celebrity who the world thinks is American with the following types of approaches from the gossip bound crew:
“Hey, we hear you guys are from the news, whatya filming us for?” (And I'm matching that with Jim Carrey, native of Newmarket, Ontario)
“Hey, are you guys from the Discovery Channel?” (And I'm matching that with Mike Myers, native of Scarborough, Ontario)
“Hey, I don’t want filmed for the fucking news..” (And matching that one with Neil Young, native of Ontario)
“So I hear you guys are with the Discovery Channel” (What are you guys, bloody migrating wildebeest?) (Matching that one with Keanu Reeves, native of Toronto. Yeah, really you thought he was Hawaiian. He's not. No really.)
Those kind of comments were often said to us directly but more frequently we overheard whispers of "news crews..." "Discovery channel"..."Documentary crew"....as people cleared a room or site that we entered. I haven’t been able to watch the Discovery Channel since, in case I see any documentaries on people lifting supply containers onto ships. Life's just too bloody short.
Here’s what I would like to have said in response to these comments: “Why the blue blazes would any news channel or a documentary team or ANYONE be on this pile ‘o’ junk filming you dullards? Why? What are you up to that ANYONE would be interested in? What’s that you say? Nothing?...No, nothing, you’re dull, you’re guys hitting things with spanners and welding stuff, what’s to watch? Some of you can barely speak coherent sentences and touch your nose with your finger never mind be of international concern or interest. Now can I just film you taking the stairs safely or wearing the correct protective equipment, yes? Thank you.”
What I did actually say: “No, we’re not. We’re making your safety induction video. Now can I just film you taking the stairs safely or wearing the correct protective equipment. Thank you.”
I didn't get where I am today by being honest with people.
Hostility
Misssy: Hi, we’re here to film your safety induction video. Can I just ask if we could round up some guys to pretend to have a safety meeting so we can film it?
Person: Nah, I’m too busy.
****
Misssy: Hi, we’re here to film your safety induction video. Can I just ask if we could round up some guys to pretend to have a safety meeting so we can film it?
Person: Yeah go and see person X. She’ll sort it out. I’m too busy.
****
Misssy: Hi, we’re here to film your safety induction video. Can I just ask if we could round up some guys to pretend to have a safety meeting so we can film it?
Person X: What? Why is this my job? Who said this was my job? I don’t have any time for this? No. No way. Why do you even need to film that stuff. I’m way too busy.
****
Misssy: Hi, we’re here to film your safety induction video. Can I just ask if we could round up some guys to pretend to have a safety meeting so we can film it?
Person Y: Come back tomorrow.
Missy: We leave tomorrow.
Person: Then I’m too busy.
****
Misssy: Hi, we’re here to film your safety induction video. Can I just film you two guys sitting here in the smoking lounge. We need the footage.
Person A : Why the fuck do you need that?
Missy (whispers to cameraman): Record, dammit, record!
Person B: (As camera rolls, to Person B) Dude, why the fuck are they filming us?
Person A: I don’t fucking know.
Person B: I hear they’re from the fucking Discovery Channel.
Person A: Maybe they are making a programme about our migratory patterns.
Person B: Fucked if I know....
****
All of the above happened. ...repeatedly. OK a little artistic license with the last one, but they did say everything other than “migratory patterns” on tape, so I’ve proof. Apologies for the swearing. I did warn you with the Parental Advisory bit at the front. And as my son says, "It doesn't count if you're quoting."
Aggression (and Mild Peril)
I finally get some people who’ve been coerced into appearing in our shots. They also just happen to be the people who will use the DVD we are producing most. I know!
Misssy: So... I just need one of you guys to be in shot.
Person X: Well, it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me, I can tell ya that! (Slamming stuff shut and hurumphing about like a two year old)
Misssy: I actually don’t mind who it is. Can you decide which one of you it’ll be and just do your job as you would normally and we’ll record you doing it? It won’t take long and then we’ll leave you alone.
Person X: It ain’t about time! I don’t care how long it takes! It ain’t about time!
Misssy: Listen, I don’t care why none of you will help us. All I know is that if I don’t film you guys you won’t have a safety DVD and you won’t be able to legally operate. Now, it won’t take more than five minutes.
Person Y: It ain’t about that. It ain’t about time!
Misssy: Listen, I don’t CARE what it’s about. I just need the shot, OK?
Person Y: Hey there, don’t you..don’t you get testy!
Misssy: (speechless)
Now, that conversation actually happened. Two things to point out. Before this happened, we got thrown out of their office whilst they went mental about having to be filmed. Then their boss told them to get on with it. Then we came back in and tried to be pleasant as we realised we were 3 miles from shore and couldn’t leave so had to get on with it.
Second thing. The urge to laugh at the word “testy” was strong in me, and I managed to stifle it. You’ve no idea how hard that was. For one it sounds exactly the same as “teste” and I have a childish sense of humour. For another the guy who said “Hey there, don’t you get testy!” was consumed with rage yet said something so Ned Flanders that he may as well have been yellow with a cookie duster moustache. And the third thing is, I had to put up with insanely unprofessional levels of rage but as soon as I started to mildly assert myself I was likened to a bollock. There’s no justice in this world of ours.
That word “testy” might have been the words of a raging Ned Flanders-alike, but man, it was the Canadian equivalent of a Sicilian insulting someone’s Mama. He said “testy” and by God he meant “testy”!
Sometimes I bloody love my job. Not this time, though, not this time.
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27 comments:
You have to understand we Canadians are intensely private people.
At work for GM once they brought around a camera crew to film us factory workers doing factory work. I asked what it was for and they said it was going to go in a commercial.
I declined the honour and when the boss said essentially shut up and do it I got the union involved and pointed out that nowhere in my contract did it say I was obligated to promote the company.
I told them if they wanted to pay me an appearance fee I'd consider it. 2 days later they decided to use one of the other 500 people working on the line.
I got 2 days away from the grind to play silly buggers with the boss and it wasn't cause I didn't like the crew it was just a way to relieve the boredom.
That and I'm obligated to kill anyone who photographs me to protect my super hero secret identity.
Bandobras: I appreciate that no one likes being filmed, but most of those asked needed what it was we were producing. In fact some of them had had input into the script.They just wanted the product to magically appear without us having to be there.
I an understand why people are shy...I can even understand why people are slightly paranoid. What I can't understand is the rudeness. How dare he call you "testy", Misssy. How very dare he!
Same old same old...corporate video crews are about as welcome as tax inspectors...
Paul
you’re guys hitting things with spanners and welding stuff, what’s to watch? - You've never watched Discovery Shed.
Some of you can barely speak coherent sentences and touch your nose with your finger never mind be of international concern or interest. - See Jade Goody/Shilpa Shetty.
Yes anyone can be on TV these days and well you know it!! ;oD
We had a film crew come round one day at the council for some safety or induction thing. Or perhaps it was inter-council pissing up the wall contest. Whatever the reason, I was asked to be in it but no way was I about to do that for many reasons. Mostly I would be a c()ck on camera I just know it! Plus as far as I was concerned they were "the press" and the press don't actually care much for accuracy in my experience.
Your reason about the video being designed for and by them doesn't hold weight with me either. You don't get a rigger to paint your ceiling, you get a painter. You don't get a rigger to lay your wooden floor, you get a joiner and you don't get a rigger to act in a video, you get an actor. That's why these people exist!
Keeping struggling actor folks outta work that's all that oil company were doing there by putting you through that crap. They should have gotten some actors on with you to film imo.
(what about the frisking???!!!) ;oP
btk
Blimey, you got a Canadian to call you Testy....that takes talent!! Am much impressed!!
C x
Alex: I am in therapy after it. Thanks for the support, sniff!
Paul: Yes, as well we both know.
BTK: Working with actors last week- what an absolute joy. People who do what they are asked are always welcome in my life. Still for thse things you need autheticity. I'm sorry I still can't see what the problem is with doing something yu would do anyway, but just filmed. I really can't. Some places that you go people are falling over themselves to help- beats working doesn't it? Thankfully these people are more common than the other unhelpful type.
Carol: I know- I upset a Canadian. AND I'm not American! I must belong to some special club. Outside of the plac we were filming the people were extraordinarily friendly and polite- even in immigration! Have you ever heard of the like?
What an effort - You are blessed with incredible patience - I would have had to punch the rudest of the lot, thus ensuring swift deportation...
You can now put "Canadian-irritating" on your CV as a special talent. And you missed out my favourite closet Canadian: Michael J Fox.
You filming types are never welcome in a workplace. We've had a few crews in our place and I always do my best to hide when they're around. Although I do believe I was briefly captured by The Financial Times doing a video for their website on us.
As it was Halifax - maybe they did not want to be filmed because they were actually working - and on the side they are on the 'Dole'! (unemployment benefits)
Next time you go out to shoot one of these workplace vids, safety-related or otherwise -- best if with actors, okay if not -- be careful to shoot them all sitting at their desks or pulling their whatsits, levers and such, not what YOU'RE thinking, etc. etc... be sure to shoot them all from the side and just slightly to the rear.
Instant stock footage to be inserted in all future workplace vids!
You'll be so rich after a year of this that IF YOU WANT, you can buy out Industrial Light & Magic and thenceforth dub anybody you want (including historical figures, or George Lucas for that matter) into the scenes.
The good part about this whole experience must be knowing that These People Just Don't Know Who They're Messing With.
Being savaged by Ned Flanders. Hmmm.. I am reminded of the description of ex Home secretary Geoffrey Howe by an opponent who said being subjected to his ripostes in the House of Commons was like being "savaged by a dead sheep".
Steve
however in a reporting situation, someone with that furry windshield certainly turns their attention away from the lowly print journalist who only has a notebook
just sayin'
in a bitter way...
Chas: Throw the first punch in an oil rig and it's the same as throwing the first punch in a one horse frontier town in the 1800s- testosterone fueled carnage.
Loth: Ah know- well ahead of you there- Mikey J is my singular favourite of all Canadians and got a special mention AND pic in the post last but one ago: http://misssymartin.blogspot.com/2009/05/canada-veni-vidi-forgot-my-coat.html
Jaggy: Bet you're a difficult customer in that situation. Sabotaging shots, loosening legs of tripods... I hope we never meet in those circumstances.
Elliot: So Halifax has the same reputation as Liverpool over here, then? I did see a fair few mullets.
JES: I would be so rich that I'd never want to make another video again, you mean. And yes, never upset a blogger.
Steve: I was so scared I nearly stopped my internal laughter track.
Coffee: Glad it gets respect in some circles....
I don't see the harm in a few white lies like, why didn't you say you were from the Discovery Channel if that would have gotten results? Failing that what about flirtation, "I've got a bit of a thing for Candadian men," said with a straight face? The most convenient thing would probably have been to walk around handing out chocolates with a hidden camera on your person.
Wow. So much for the smug Canadian belief that we're all so polite! To use such filthy language as "testy" to a lady ... there's no coming back from that.
Up to now, I assumed that the majority of people roll over and do tricks whenever a camera heaves into view. Maybe you got them all on a bad hair day?
Emma K: Trust you! "I've got a bit of a thing for Canadian men,"- on an oil rig? Baaaad idea.How d'you think I ended up with my half Norwegian and half Mexican kids?
Tessa: Yes, terrible language.And yes, I think you're right on the bad hair front- some shocking mullets aboard (like there is on every oil rig worldwide). I tried to suggest changes and modifications with scissors. I'm sure that's got nothing to do with the general response to me.
Obv. that's me up there, not Meeester (dressed as Action Man..don't ask)
Even better. Having to endure some extremely boorish and drunken oilmen on several rail journeys to Aberdeen, I would take great delight in re-enacting an old Wild West saloon-type brawl...You earned every penny here btw...
Jeez Misssy, there must be easier ways to earn a living, but gaun yersel' - getting a Canadian to go the length of testy - you must have annoyed them!
At least they didn't stand about jingling their change in their pockets and looking at the camera!
I must add that it's quite common for the bosses, and the outside film crew to decide what a wonderful idea it would be to film the workers.
For good reasons or not, quite often the actual subjects of the filming aren't included in all the wonderful planning that precedes the project.
Often any opposition you find is really directed at the boss not particularly at you but whoever is handy catches the excrement once it is introduced to the air moving equipment.
meeestermartin...it's all good, you probably have a rainbow family like Mia Farrow. Ask Misssy if she's also going to 'do a mia' by going on hunger strike for darfur. I'd last about three hours.
Gee, you sure had fun in Canada. Do you think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that you’ll ever come back? Canadians are pretty camera shy and paranoid on the whole. Reality shows never work well over here. We never get any of those good “man on the street” interviews after a disaster or neighbourhood shooting. Everyone just peeps through their windows at the mayhem and closes their doors on the camera crew. People would all run away if you brought a camera into our government office to film, too. We even had to cancel Canadian Idol for lack of interest.. We don’t care about celebrities. The Rolling Stones can wander the streets, eat in regular restaurants and sit in the park without anyone coming over to say hello even. Maybe you could have just produced a safety cartoon and left it at that. No horrible travel. No horrible Canadians. But come back some time as a regular person and we’ll be nice to you. Promise
Testy ... fnaa. Sounds like you were very restrained. Tempting to say you were filming a doc for Discovery 'Brokeback Oilrig'?
XUP: Sooo interesting. And you know it really makes me even sadder that we never got any time away from that rig to spend some time in Halifax. Everything about the Canadian traits you describe actually makes me warm to them. The thing is, it's not really about nationality what happened to me. It was about two people who were made to do something by their boss that they didn't want to do. And they took it out on me- which made my job difficult. Ho hum.
I am actually desperate to visit Canada properly. Was v. excited about visiting in the first place, as you know.
Kate: Can I use that?
You've clearly been sent to film people who've lacked strong leadership in the past and have just been allowed to fall into a routine, any deviation from which is seen as being a major hassle.
A few of my friends work at the BP oil refinery in Grangemouth and the stories I hear from them seem to back this up.
Things are done the way that they've always been done. Asking staff to change or to do something differently is met with anger, hostility and, on more than one occasion, with industrial action!
They should try living in the real world.
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