"Misssy didn't make this, did she?"
If there’s one thing I am really rubbish at, it’s baking. OK, there are a few more. I am also rubbish at maths but goddamn it, maths isn’t important, but cakes clearly are.
Someone’s mother brought cakes into our office on Monday and they were so amazing that I have been trying to replicate them ever since. Trouble is, this woman is clearly a baking goddess who has little fairies to help her and I am the baking equivalent of one of those contestants on X Factor that you wonder if they have escaped from a secure facility.
Yet, I can cook reasonably well so why do my cakes infringe the laws of public decency? I must ooze some kind of pheromone chemical that makes cake batter refuse to rise, meringues turn into cavity wall insulation and pancakes stick to the bottom of the pan and look like discarded Nicorette patches.
Last night as I contemplated my latest disaster that the dog wouldn’t even eat (in the past the dog has eaten a skiddy pair of toddler pants, cat shit and a box of Tampax *, to put this snub into perspective). I became troubled by this. Why can’t I make a flipping cake? I am forty and the mother of two children, what the hell is wrong with me? What do I have to do? Join a bowling green or a Women’s Institute for the cake making gene in me to be activated?
I have resolved to rectify the situation and tonight I will address all the things that I fear may be impeding my lack of success in the cake and confectionery department.
They are:
- Remove six year old girl who wants to help and who may add stuff to the bowl when my back is turned. Including possible bogey.
- Use an actual recipe rather than a vague memory of seeing Nigella doing “something similar” on a TV programme watched over two years ago whilst two Chardonnays in.
- Weigh each ingredient in accordance with instructions rather than using my severely challenged mathematical skills to calculate amount based on the total weight on the packet and the size of spoon I am using to relocate ingredient from packet to bowl. Or simply emptying drifts of stuff in and stirring til it looks like cake mix like you remember seeing your mum make.
- Stop substituting ingredients in recipe for things that are fairly similar. “It says Bicarbonate of Soda here. That’s just salt really isn’t it?That much I remember from chemistry class...” or “Cinnamon? Don’t have any. But I do have nutmeg. That’s just a poor man’s cinnamon, isn’t it? A grater, you say? What on earth for?” (plop!)
- Arguing with recipes. “One and a half hours at 100C?? Sod that, I’m off to bed in an hour I’ll just pump the heat up to 200C and it’ll be done in half the time.”
Results will be raffled off.
*Although not all on the same plate, to be fair.
Don't ever miss a Misssive, subscribe!
24 comments:
When in doubt blame your oven.
And don't open the back door whilst a cake is baking. My Grandmother swore by this.
Sx
You should have listened to the Nekkid Chef rather than frigid Nigella. Jimmy Oliver always strips it down to basics.
You sound like my old Grandma. Terrible baker. Problem was she thought she was quite good. Her crumble was more of a "tremble".
Steve
Try my brownies:
200g plain chocolate
200g butter
200g caster sugar
3 eggs
80g plain flour (sifted)
40g cocoa powder (sifted)
50g mini marshmallows (optional)
While melting the chocolate and butter together over a pot of boiling water, put the caster sugar and eggs together and whisk until they go a light yellow colour. Then gradually put the melted chocolate/butter mix into the sugar/egg mix. Mix it in bit by bit. Then add the sifted flour and cocoa and mix. Add some marshmallows if you have.
Put the mixture into a greased container and into the oven at about 180 for 20 mins. Take it out and let it cool down for a couple of hours.
I used to be truly piss poor at cooking, and I think that if I can do these brownies then anyone can :D x
Yeah do her brownies! They're awesomeness and such a shame to not be let loose on teh world.
I think following the recipe and practise are great things. If it says a low heat do it on a low heat. if it says stir continually that means, UNTIL IT'S DONE! Not until you need to fill the kettle/grate the cheese/do whatever.
I do a mean banoffee pie, which although technically isn't a cake it's still my best dish. Even yet sometimes it fux up for no apparent reason!
btk
I can't bake cakes either but I have found one recipe (kindly donated by a friend) which has never given me any problems at all!! It's a chocolate orange cake (using marmalade) and it's really gooey and gorgeous. If you want a copy of the recipe just holler...I am happy to share :-)
C x
PS. A few years back two of my friends took a cake I had lovingly baked outside and played frisbee with it (I kid you not!!). They came back and told me that it had stunned a cow and killed two birds!! The cheek of it!!!
C x
btk: Aberdeen Blogs cake-off!! :D
what are you trying to bake?
I've been known to make a cake (or 3) and they do sometimes go wrong.
Best tips are - take plenty of time and don't rush, follow the recipe, and leave the oven shut during cooking, and weigh things carefully.
but sometimes life is just too short & thats what shops are for!
Do you remember the days when we used to say that our Mums´ stew and tatties was thee best ever...Well Misssy when your children are at Uni or older, can you see them past remarking about their Mums speciality dish being 'the best ever'... For the record, my Dads home made Scotch Broth was awesome...
If there's one thing I can do, it's bake a cake. Ever since I got that rush of confidence at school home eekies I've been confident of cake baking abilities. It's not a particularly macho pursuit I agree, but a tasty one.
I baked smashing big birthday cakes for both Mrs Jaggy and jnr this year, and much to everyone's surprise, they turned out edible, and uniquely decorated.
I used my Mum's 40 year old Bero recipe and it's as good today as it was then. Need any tips, just let me know ;0)
Maybe it has something to do with your rubbish maths. Maths can be quite important in baking.
As long as you don't make those Flies Graveyard cakes with real flies.
I had much the same experience with tablet (a Scottish delicacy designed to dissolve teeth like the blood of Riddley Scott's Alien). After 5 attempts with 5 entirely different end products, I've deduced that there is some sort of witchcraft or child sacrifice involved.
You can't be good at everything, get over it!
don't use old flour
Scarlet: My oven was the only things actually doing its job. But shutting all windows and doors from now on. Total lock down.
Gorilla: I can’t tell you how upsetting that image is.
Steve: Thanks goodness someone else’s Gran can’t cook. I lucked out on both sides of the family in terms of cooking ability.
Lattes: Thanks. I’m going to try that AND I’m actually going to read your recipe whilst doing it.
BTK: I must be the only person in the world who doesn’t like Banoffee Pie. It offends me on two levels. 1. Bananas in a pudding...bleurgh. and 2. The name devised from Banana and Toffee- it’s like Casa Bevron (Ron and Bev’s house in Brookside), or The Marcliffe Hotel (can’t believe the owners are Margaret and Cliff)
Carol: Want it. It’s like WI meeting this comments box. I can see the Misssives going in a slightly different direction. Next: Household cleaning tips. Me first: get a cleaner.
Insch: All of those tips...are things I skimp on. In saying that I managed to make meringues successfully last night.
Chas: Funny you say that. My son asked me if would show him how to make spaghetti bolognaise the other day. I told him I would leave him my recipe in my will. (hehe)
Jaggy: Tips? No, I want a cake sent up.
Ellie: I was afraid someone would say that.
Alex: I hate those. Even with raisins instead of flies.
Inchy: Mmm, tablet. The reason I have fillings.
Coffee: What about old eggs?
I find what makes cakes come out better is that you have to:
1. take all ingredients out of fridge for half an hour prior to starting so they are not ice cold ie eggs, milk etc.
2. Don't mix the batter like an overzealous nut - it just makes the cake taste rubbery. This is especially true for muffins, with them you just have to stir round maybe twice.
3. preheat oven to correct temp. Do not open the door while it is cooking.
good luck
I have EXACTLY the same problems with both baking and math and for all the same reasons. I'm a good cook because cooking requires some imagination and daring. You grab a bunch of stuff and mix it together and if you have a pretty good feel for what tastes good together, you get wonderful meals. With baking you are strictly forbidden to have any imagination or try anything daring. If you don't follow a time-honoured recipe exactly you'll end up with things to tie to your enemies before dumping them in the sea. All in all I think it's a good thing not to be able to bake.
The alternative is to say sod it to baking... have a "do", invite me (with a bit of notice) and I shall come bearing baked goodies a la halloween at the Misssy A & the beefsters! Noted on the banoffie... My baking always seems quite heavy on the old alcohol - cakes, cheesecake, puddings - all boozy usually!
Get your requests in now ;-)
I shall send it to you....well, I would if I could find an e-mail address for you!!
Mine is carol _ burns at hotmail . co . uk (without all the spaces and with a proper @ sign obviously...don't want to get bombarded with spam!!)
C x
Reading this missive was infinitely better than eating a cake.
It also had the opposite effect because of the calories I burned laughing!
Someone gave me the 'Domestic Goddess' (think it was a joke) and have never baked a thing in it. You're not alone Misssy - life too short. Support your local baker :)
I can bake but I can't sew for toffee (or indeed any other sugary treat). If you promise to sew on any buttons and take up any hems required by Casa Loth, I'll keep you supplied with as many cakes, scones, cookies and brownies as you like. Deal?
Post a Comment