So here we are thrust into the world stage. Suddenly Scotland is being talked about all over the world. Let’s not go into why, this is not a political blog and I would like to keep it that way. However, it occurs to me that a handful of people are seeking to boycott Scottish goods and services in some kind of bizarre protest about events this week. Do The Misssives count? I know I have a few US readers, I hope you won’t desert me. Especially after what I’m about to confess.
Now I don’t want to wade in and upset anyone but I feel dutybound to confess that I have had a little fun at the expense of some American citizens in the past. Some fun of the type that may no longer be possible now that Scotland is firmly on America’s radar. Before my confession begins, I want to stress that I only made fun of the really stupid ones and I do realise that stupidity has no nationality, as a quick look at the initial auditions of the UK X Factor will swiftly back up.
All of these conversations happened when I was a cocktail waitress in New Orleans in 1990, where stupid teenage boys go to drink til they pass out on a holiday weekend, particularly in the bar I worked in which was one of the few non-transvestite/gay disco type establishments on Bourbon Street and which also was fairly lax in the checking of ID.
Now I don’t want to wade in and upset anyone but I feel dutybound to confess that I have had a little fun at the expense of some American citizens in the past. Some fun of the type that may no longer be possible now that Scotland is firmly on America’s radar. Before my confession begins, I want to stress that I only made fun of the really stupid ones and I do realise that stupidity has no nationality, as a quick look at the initial auditions of the UK X Factor will swiftly back up.
All of these conversations happened when I was a cocktail waitress in New Orleans in 1990, where stupid teenage boys go to drink til they pass out on a holiday weekend, particularly in the bar I worked in which was one of the few non-transvestite/gay disco type establishments on Bourbon Street and which also was fairly lax in the checking of ID.
The temptation was too great. Forgive me, but waitressing can be a little dull, so sometimes you feel the need to have a little fun to make the time pass quicker.
Scenario 1: The Haunting
Him: Wow what’s that accent? Where ya from?
Me: Scotland
Him: Wow. I know Scotland! Do they really have ghosts and shit there.
Me: Oh yes, my dad’s one.
Him: You're kidding me right?
Scenario 1: The Haunting
Him: Wow what’s that accent? Where ya from?
Me: Scotland
Him: Wow. I know Scotland! Do they really have ghosts and shit there.
Me: Oh yes, my dad’s one.
Him: You're kidding me right?
Me: No.
Him: Cooool.
Scenario 2: What time is it?
Him: So what age can y’all drink over there?
Me: Eighteen
Him: That’s awesome. So what age are you?
Me: Well I’m twenty-two back home but I’m twenty one over here because of the time difference.
Him: Awesome!
Scenario 3: Fight the Power
Him: So where are you from?
Me: Scotland
Him: Scotland, eh? So you guys still bombing the English?
Me: Not really. I think you’re thinking of the IRA in Northern Ireland (this was 1990)
Him: So you guys ain’t doing that. I thought you were.
Me: No we’re not doing that.
Him: Well, you should.
Me: OK then.
Scenario 4: Landed Gentry
Him: So do you live in a castle in Scotland?
Me: Yes, we all do.
Him: Awesome.
Me: Yes it is.
Scenario 5: Life in the dark ages
Drunken boy: So all this must be different for you guys coming from Scotland.
Me: Well, New Orleans is different all right.
Drunken boy: More modern and stuff
Me (clocking where he was going with this): Oh yes! You’ve got telephones and everything!
Drunken boy: Man, you don’t have telephones?
Me: Well, the whole town shares one.
Drunken boy: That’s fucked up.
Me: I write my parents a letter to let them know when I'll be calling and they book an appointment at the phone to take my call.
Scenario 2: What time is it?
Him: So what age can y’all drink over there?
Me: Eighteen
Him: That’s awesome. So what age are you?
Me: Well I’m twenty-two back home but I’m twenty one over here because of the time difference.
Him: Awesome!
Scenario 3: Fight the Power
Him: So where are you from?
Me: Scotland
Him: Scotland, eh? So you guys still bombing the English?
Me: Not really. I think you’re thinking of the IRA in Northern Ireland (this was 1990)
Him: So you guys ain’t doing that. I thought you were.
Me: No we’re not doing that.
Him: Well, you should.
Me: OK then.
Scenario 4: Landed Gentry
Him: So do you live in a castle in Scotland?
Me: Yes, we all do.
Him: Awesome.
Me: Yes it is.
Scenario 5: Life in the dark ages
Drunken boy: So all this must be different for you guys coming from Scotland.
Me: Well, New Orleans is different all right.
Drunken boy: More modern and stuff
Me (clocking where he was going with this): Oh yes! You’ve got telephones and everything!
Drunken boy: Man, you don’t have telephones?
Me: Well, the whole town shares one.
Drunken boy: That’s fucked up.
Me: I write my parents a letter to let them know when I'll be calling and they book an appointment at the phone to take my call.
Drunken boy: That's fucked up.
Me: Ah, it works for us.
C'mon...you've never messed with someone?
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29 comments:
... and our law is so ancient look what happens.
I laughed until I cried at your conversations and I have had a few similar ones. I grew up in Hawaii and while it is part of the US it felt like another country to many people.
So, yea, I guess I messed with some folks a little bit and no, I'm not deserting you.
Hehehehe, that was very funny!! I have to confess....I used to work as a guide at a castle in my school summer holidays and we got bus loads of tourists!! I lost count at the amount of stupid questions I was asked and I did make up a few wee stories!! (It's amazing what some people believe!!)
C x
Noddy: It's an ancient wizard law. I think I could pull that one off now with Harry Potter and all that. Off to NY in Oct, might give it a go. But only once I'm safely through immigration.
Janet: See now I want to know how you messed with them!
Carol: I am envious. I would love to take a coach load of tourists (of any nationality) around anywhere and just spin them a load of bollocks.
I convinced some online Americans that Scotland had in fact uncovered "nessy" as a real living plesiosaur – but, “we” as a nation had a referendum and it was decided to keep this a secret, to avoid the dip in tourism / mystery.
“Ah man, I knew that shit all along was real, now I know, I’ll keep it secret for ya Phil”
Ohil: That's excellent. Can I use it and pass it off as my own idea if the occasion arises?
Overheard in a pub in Edinburgh.
A sign on the wall listed the draught beers available and a Yank asked the bartender what "drott" beer was. The man asked what he meant and the yank pointed out the sign.
He was informed that it was "draft" beer and then exclaimed that was good because they had that in the states.
The bartender with a straight face said, "Yes I heard that and we are trying to catch up with you".
And there's also that hateful thing where Americans assume that you will definitely know their great aunt Cindy's second cousin, who lives in Glasgow. Er, no. Scotland is actually a wee bit bigger than you think.
I've got to get out more; I didn't know anything about a boycott. Hope no one's looking over my shoulder right now and if they are, I hope they understand that all appearances to the contrary this is not the blog of an actual Scotswoman but the blog of an inspired faux-Scotswoman who just happens to be damn good at the impression.
Move along, DHS. Nothing to see here.
I would've loved to be in that bar in 1990. I'd have been one of the ones down the end, sitting by himself and laughing. Doubt that I'd have had the nerve to kid with you, though. Self-assured (faux-)Scotswomen are the stuff of nightmare to us shy types.
You are all cruel and condescending people and I feel I cannot partake in the mockery of the proud and great nation that gave us the Flowbee.
www.tinyurl.com/mzl3bx
Ahh too true!
Being a Canuck - yes we have done the same thing - usually around Igloos and 50 foot snow drifts - but the gist is the same
And Cat - you think aunt Nelly in Glasgow is bad -
Try Vancouver :-)
Glasgow is actually closer to me in eastern Canada than Vancouver is!
Oissy, certainly, you can do the nessy thing anytime. Sprinkle in some haggis banter, of course...
The Flowbee - the curse of early infomercials!
My brother, on his drinking tour of North America a few years ago, was asked where he was from. When he replied "Scotland", he was then asked in all seriousness whether he had travelled to the USA by Greyhound bus. He said yes. In fact, the conversation happened in New Orleans.
Bandobras: that's the kind of thing that's ggoing to get this country "through" this- our vicious sense of humour. I'd say it's worth going to see some Scottish stand up this weekend.
Cat: Yep we got plenty of that. "MacLeod. The McLeods. I'm one of them! DO you know them?" "Yes I'm a MacLeod. We don't know you."
JES: I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that the thinking American hasn't heard about this crap. Thank you! It's just the numpties after all!!! (Numptie in Scottish means jackass in American, I believe).
Inchy: You are an honourable man. I've always said it.
Elliot: So do you know my Aunt Nellie in Vancouver or not?
Phil: Oops, butterfingers!
Loth: Yeah, that'll be one of my guys...
Not surprised by any of this. After all they all swallowed that WMDs in Iraq thing, didn't they?
The really, really frightening thing is that we Canadians can fuck with the Americans in exactly the same way even though we are just a hop from their border. You need to check out Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7111005509913775935) If that link doesn't work, google it. It's loads of fun which I know UK people and normal Americans will get
Alex X: Less of a tissue and more a heavy wool blanket of lies.
XUP: Thanks -Will have a look.
True stories:
1/ On a trip to Yoosa, I was asked "If y'all are from Scotland, how come you speak English?" (The questioner, although a native of North Carolina, did not speak Cherokee.)
2/ A Merkan visitor to Embra's Camera Obscura, built in the 1850s, asked "When was it upgraded to work in color?" (It hurts to spell like that.)
3/ The Loch Ness Monster is visible on Google Earth. Scotch scienticains are frantically trying to prove it's a boat. Move along, nothing to see here.
When I was in New York about 13 years ago I had fun with some of the locals. "Man I LOVE that shirt where did you buy it?" "Edinburgh" "What state is that in?" "Scotland" "Scotland? wow! isn't that in the Pacific somewhere near Japan?" "Yes"
"I LOVE your accent - my father was Irish!" "Was he? which part was he from?" "Oh I don't know - he sounded like you - where are you from?" "Tunbridge Wells" "Can you write that down for me?" "Sure!"
My cousins are American and despite their parents being from Scotland I just can't believe the crap they come away with. Of course, they never come over here. The one time I remember they did when we were all kids they complained about how rubbish everything was. If we heard the phrase "What? Do you mean you don't have X?" one, we heard it a million times.
No, we don't have the right to bear arms- what of it?
Oh !
And speaking of Nessie;
http://www.marketingpilgrim.com/2009/08/google-and-loch-ness-perfect-together.html
Sorry I am not boycotting you - I bought a short tartan mini skirt and will be showing it off tonight. Like you say stupidity is not limited to one country. I had a woman in Austria ask me once whether they had potatoes in England.
I live in one of the Midwestern states, which is flyover country to people from the coasts. I did the same sort of mind game with some New Yorkers, convincing them that we had just put in electricity and hoped to get indoor plumbing the follow year. They believed because that was they image they had of my part of the country, and they weren't even drunk.
P.S. Most American males will melt when faced with a Scottish accent in a woman.
Personally, I'm glad that the Scots haven't decided to bomb the England ... they'd be far more hardcore about it than the Irish ever were.
Can you imagine Scots phoning the police in advance to tell them where the bombs were and when they'd be going off?
Great stuff! Trust me, I run into these kinds of questions on a daily basis whilst working on the airplane! "Is the bathroom available?" (When the sign on the lavatory displays either a Vacant/Occupied (in words, english no less) or Red/Green dots (hmmm, stop or go at green?)
A friend of mine used to work as a guide on a bus tour in Edinburgh and on several occasions told whole busloads of Americans that Tony Blair lived in the castle.
I think he might have referred to the Scott Monument as the Billy Connolly Monument as well.
Farty: Admittedly, our definition can be loose but yes, we speak English.
Rab: that is the classic.
"Where ya from?"
"I'm from Scotland"
"Oh I'm Irish!"
A. I don't give a... not being Irish myself, and
B. No you're bleedin' well not.
Sarah: When I was a kid my mum's cousin's American kids came over and couldn't believe we'd never been to Disneyland. they had pit in their eyes like we were forced to work down't'pit.
Elliot: The sweet sound of cashiers tills ringing...
Emma: Did you have to draw her a pic of Sir Walter Raleigh??
Paul: I will use your PS info to my advantage when I'm off to NY next month.
Ro: It's a fair point.
Scot: I feel for you- people behave very strangely in planes. Hyper territorial and almost like kids.
Groanin': Shhh don't mention that Billy Connolly memorial in earshot of an Aberdeen City cooncillor. They'll build one.
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