I promised I wouldn’t but I’m going to write about my teeth. Again. I just have to.
To recap, in October I got super-dooper, space age, American braces on my teeth which had started to go the way of the Bowie. Vampires may be ridiculously in fashion with all that Twilight stuff right now but only the really hardcore Goths want fangs, so something had to be done. I’m ten weeks into the experience and here’s what I’ve noticed:
To recap, in October I got super-dooper, space age, American braces on my teeth which had started to go the way of the Bowie. Vampires may be ridiculously in fashion with all that Twilight stuff right now but only the really hardcore Goths want fangs, so something had to be done. I’m ten weeks into the experience and here’s what I’ve noticed:
One: they work really fast, the change is amazing already, and
Two: People freak out when they see me.
Even yesterday a child who is a friend of my niece was locked in a trance, staring at me and whispering “What’s that..what’s those ...what’re those things...what..are...what???” manically to her little friend until I stepped in and put an end to the freak out by explaining who, and indeed, what I am.
I don’t actually mind the braces that much but sometimes I feel like someone has drawn a felt tip penis on my cheek whilst I was sleeping or stuck a note to my back with the word “spaz” written on it, like used to happen at school. People stare at them but only kids actually mention them.
Take people I associate with, both in my working life and my social life. Some people knew I was getting them, but most didn’t. For example, I’m in work in the week or so after the metal-ware got fitted and countless times during that week people have reason to speak to me and suddenly yet very slowly their eyeline moves until is is fixed directly on my teeth. They barely manage to conceal a wrapt fascination as to what the blazes is going on in my mouth, yet they say nothing about what they are staring at. It's ridiculous- they'd mention a new haircut, they'd mention a pair of glasses but these things..noooo. Do they not want to mention the metallic blight for fear I’d not really noticed what had happened to me? Did they not want to mention it because they felt it would be like saying, “Hey man, I can’t help noticing that’s a cool wheelchair you’re in!” to a paraplegic?
Eventually I realise that I’m going to have to introduce the braces formally, for no reason other than to relieve the palpable tension. “I see you’ve noticed my braces. Don’t worry, I am not a mental. I will be back to normal in six months and it’s all going to be O...K....” The standard response to this being the hearty lie of "Oh I hardly noticed them!"
Take people I associate with, both in my working life and my social life. Some people knew I was getting them, but most didn’t. For example, I’m in work in the week or so after the metal-ware got fitted and countless times during that week people have reason to speak to me and suddenly yet very slowly their eyeline moves until is is fixed directly on my teeth. They barely manage to conceal a wrapt fascination as to what the blazes is going on in my mouth, yet they say nothing about what they are staring at. It's ridiculous- they'd mention a new haircut, they'd mention a pair of glasses but these things..noooo. Do they not want to mention the metallic blight for fear I’d not really noticed what had happened to me? Did they not want to mention it because they felt it would be like saying, “Hey man, I can’t help noticing that’s a cool wheelchair you’re in!” to a paraplegic?
Eventually I realise that I’m going to have to introduce the braces formally, for no reason other than to relieve the palpable tension. “I see you’ve noticed my braces. Don’t worry, I am not a mental. I will be back to normal in six months and it’s all going to be O...K....” The standard response to this being the hearty lie of "Oh I hardly noticed them!"
Suddenly I feel tremendous sorrow for the everyday lives of those people with one wonky eye, a big hairy mole or a facial tic. Or that woman who used to work in Glasgow University Library when I studied there who had a full grey beard.
On the upside, the braces have put paid to the tedious attentions of the office letch. The office letch is known for accosting the ladies of the office whenever they go near the water cooler or the coffee machine or anywhere near his office. This stereotype of modern office life, once zoned in on you, locks the unsuspecting female colleague in a situation where he will talk at them, whilst standing that crucial ten centimetres too close to their person, until such a time that they can find an excuse to depart from the vicinity. In the past I have actually fabricated meetings that I had to go to, just to get away from him. On one occasion I actually drove my car out of the car park to follow the lie through.
So, there I am a good week after the braces go on, getting a glass of water from the cooler when I see him approaching in my peripheral vision. I quickly call up a ready excuse should I need it. Maybe something about an ill friend or a pie I've forgotten about in some faraway oven.
“I hear you’ve been in the States, Misssy. Enjoy it, did you?”
The man’s in it for the long haul- he’s physically blocking my escape. But in a nanosecond it all changes.
“Yes, great,” I say, as I turn around. Now, facing him, I grin full face and blind him with the sun glinting off my orthodontic pervert deflectors. He stares at me, clearly horrified and the fifteen minute diatribe about the trip he took to the self same holiday destination is suddenly stuck in his throat unable to fly free. “That’s, um, good,” he says gingerly, actually backing away from me and simultaneously breaking his personal record for the amount of time he has ever held a female co-worker captive. I watch him, still grinning, for maximum effect, as I wonder if he’s actually going to break into a sprint back to his office and lock the door behind him.
So for the next four months I can relax secure in the knowledge that the Ugly Bettys will do their work and that I will be the only female in the office left in comparative peace. However, in addition to my night-time retainer that I will have to wear to keep the pearlies in place after the braces come off in May I have requested my dentist also order in a shitty stick to beat the office perv away with. It’s either that or I pretend to have a fake leg.
On the upside, the braces have put paid to the tedious attentions of the office letch. The office letch is known for accosting the ladies of the office whenever they go near the water cooler or the coffee machine or anywhere near his office. This stereotype of modern office life, once zoned in on you, locks the unsuspecting female colleague in a situation where he will talk at them, whilst standing that crucial ten centimetres too close to their person, until such a time that they can find an excuse to depart from the vicinity. In the past I have actually fabricated meetings that I had to go to, just to get away from him. On one occasion I actually drove my car out of the car park to follow the lie through.
So, there I am a good week after the braces go on, getting a glass of water from the cooler when I see him approaching in my peripheral vision. I quickly call up a ready excuse should I need it. Maybe something about an ill friend or a pie I've forgotten about in some faraway oven.
“I hear you’ve been in the States, Misssy. Enjoy it, did you?”
The man’s in it for the long haul- he’s physically blocking my escape. But in a nanosecond it all changes.
“Yes, great,” I say, as I turn around. Now, facing him, I grin full face and blind him with the sun glinting off my orthodontic pervert deflectors. He stares at me, clearly horrified and the fifteen minute diatribe about the trip he took to the self same holiday destination is suddenly stuck in his throat unable to fly free. “That’s, um, good,” he says gingerly, actually backing away from me and simultaneously breaking his personal record for the amount of time he has ever held a female co-worker captive. I watch him, still grinning, for maximum effect, as I wonder if he’s actually going to break into a sprint back to his office and lock the door behind him.
So for the next four months I can relax secure in the knowledge that the Ugly Bettys will do their work and that I will be the only female in the office left in comparative peace. However, in addition to my night-time retainer that I will have to wear to keep the pearlies in place after the braces come off in May I have requested my dentist also order in a shitty stick to beat the office perv away with. It’s either that or I pretend to have a fake leg.
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15 comments:
Funny. I have vaguely the same experience when replacing the battery in my hearing aid every couple of weeks, should someone walk into my office at the time. (The way my cubicle is oriented, it's difficult for people to approach without entering, so they're always hoving into view unexpectedly.)
There's the lunge through the doorway, suddenly interrupted -- sometimes a foot actually hanging in mid-air -- when they see that (a) I am clearly doing something intimate with some tiny plastic object roughly the color of my skin, and (b) staring up at them with a look which says Do not bother talking to me. I've often likened it to an amputee's being interrupted for a fire drill while in the act of strapping on a prosthetic.
I for one will be counting the days till I can read the post about the first post-braces office perv encounter.
Typical Scots - teeth made of chalk. You could always tell people its after having your jaw broken in a street brawl in Partick. Should scare off the office lech as well.
JES: My dad, who reads the Misssives, will sympathise with your comment I'm sure. He's a hearing aid wearer. Still another friend recounts arriving at his grans one morning before she had time to put her glass eye in. Awkward.
Toni: Too true. We have the worst teeth in the world. Problem is the office letch would probably have a long and winding story about the time he got HIS teeth knocked out in Partick.
American braces?
Can you get them pimped by MTV?
I'm thinking flashing LED's, baby.!
Have I went too far again?
I'll never forget the night in a pub when I found out that one of my punters had a glass eye. Went to the bog - came back.
Took a good sook at my pint till I noticed something in the bottom of it looking up at me. You really, really don't want to find a glass eye in the bottom of your pint.
Quick rush back to the bog as my stomach contents tried hard to escape.
Then there was the punter that died. New (about 16 hours at that point) junior doctor appears to do death certificate. Stares intently into punter's eye to look for ruptured retinal blood vessels which apparently happen on death.
Looks more and more confused but still very much on his dignity so keeps on looking while appearing more and more confused.
There really aren't many blood vessels at the back of a glass eye. Took him ten minutes to notice that everyone was laughing at him as he was the only person in the room not aware of the silicaceous nature of the eye he was so carefully examining.
Braces no big deal after that. It beats plastic teeth any day. Trust me on that.
You'll need a new deterrent for the letch. A few months letch-free will have you spoiled. Maybe you could simulate sounds of breaking-wind whenever he is around? Would that do it?
"put paid to the tedious attentions of the office letch."
Result! He can't be much of a lech if he's turned off by a mouthful of metal. But and isn't there always a but - what happens when the braces come off and he is once again sexually aroused by your straight pearly whites?
Do kids not have braces in the UK? It's actually cool here for young folk to have braces. My daughter was disappointed that her teeth were too straight. They make them in lots of different colours for the kids and even have "invisible braces" for adults. It's not unusual for adults to get braces either. (PS to Emma - do you know what a woman with a mouth full of hardware could do to a man's little..um..."ego"?
Emma: I think I might have stunned him. He may be back once he's re-grouped. And I'll have to be fighting them ALL off once my beautiful straight teeth are revealed!
XUP: Very few adults have them over here, but I think it'll become more common. Already one girl at my work spurred on to get some now she's seen me doing it. The first week I had them fitted I was in the US for the week- I felt right at home with all these bracey adults!
Inchy: CHristmas lights have already been suggested by my sister. But only if she arranges a minor celeb to do the big switch on.
Fizzy's pal: Yuk!
Ellie: The fart pheremones could just entice him further- dangerous.
all right darling you have been maimed I mean memed ...well you are the film buffette
When do they come off?
Emma: Hmm, that will take me about a year..
J: I wish I knew for sure. May- I think.
I got really used to them in Thailand...loads of women (and men) wore them....not because they need them but because they believe that they look younger if they have braces!!
At least they keep sleazy bloke at bay
C x
Merry Christmas Missy and crew!
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