Thursday, 20 January 2011

The Black Menace Speaks


I've logged Sonny the Black Menace in. He's apparently written a blog post in reply to my earlier one. He's been working on it all week. Let me know what he says.

Misssy M





Hello fans!
It’s not often I speak up but I am concerned about Misssy M, my woman. Something is going on with her and I just can’t figure it out. She’s fine at home, doing her usual, pressing lots of buttons on things and shouting at the puppies- all her usual habits. No, it’s when we go outside that she starts behaving strangely. Normally, we go out and we’re off. She throws my ball for me, collects little my souvenirs, which I don’t mind, cos let’s face it- who doesn’t like a bit of poo? It’s the least I can do for her for giving me all that scran. Yes, normally the two of us are off and away. What a laugh we have! I come back ready for my bed and a good bum cleaning session and she goes back to pushing buttons on things and shouting at the puppies. I thought we were happy. I thought she was doing great. But no, it’s all changed.

Thing is, folks, she’s started doing weird stuff. Like, out of nowhere.  Here’s what’s been happening: as usual she gets all my toys together and her little souvenir bags in case I do something she might want to save for later, then she puts her steadying chain on to her hand and clips it to my collar for support (I often wonder how she manages when I’m not with her) and out we go. But instead of us quickly heading off to the playground, she keeps stopping. Is she in pain? Cos she keeps on making a sound that sounds like “Heeeeeeeel!!!” like she’s hurt herself. The shriek of pain comes after she stops so I’m thinking she’s having trouble walking. So I give her a hand,as you do. I pull her along to see if that will gee her up. And get this; she squeals even louder and jerks her arms about. Listen I’m not one to be down on a  woman who is clearly having physical and let’s face it, mental problems, but the  tugging and jerking thing is a bit annoying. I know that’s selfish of me, but I’m doing my best to get the woman moving here.

And it gets worse. I go out with my woman the other day and she takes my man with her too. Christ on a bike, I’ve got to pull them both along now!  As usual they are joined together so , you know, I’ve got to put that extra effort in. You're welcome! Listen I don’t mind, I can pull and steady them both, I’m a working strain, you know- the hard stuff comes easy to me. But then my woman was whelping even more. I think she’s taken a turn for the worse. I wonder if my man sees it too? he doesn't seem to. She even got rewarded with a glass of that clear yellow stuff she likes when we came back, so he must think she's doing ok. Oh I got NOTHING by the way. Not even a wee biscuit or a sniff of one of the cats' bums.

I don’t know, I’m at my wits end. Can anyone help. What could be wrong with her? Is it old age? Should I be worried that it might be "that time"? She hasn't had any new puppies lately, that could be it. I dunno. You know how bitches get...

Let me know in the comments box. Hope you like the latest photo of me at the top by the way. That’s me looking for a crisp if anyone’s got any spare.

Licks to you all,

Sonny, The Black Menace

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14 comments:

Heather said...

I'm sorry to you mate, but it sounds like this ones ready for the knackers yard. You know what humans are like, they don't live so long, their mind starts to go after a while and the best thing, the nice thing, is to put them out of their misery. I know it sounds hard, and you'll probably miss her a bit but you can always get another, eh?

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Clear yellow stuff? What else of yours has see been keeping as mementoes? Clearly the woman is barkikng...

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

It's very good of you to pull your woman along, Sonny, you definitely deserves some nice biccies after that, maybe even a good ear scratch.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Hahaha...this sounds like the situation in my house. We went to puppy school TWICE and my dog still does whatever the HELL he wants! Hahaha

MaidInAustralia said...

Oh dear, I can tell by your photo that you are impossibly cute, so the problem is clearly with your human (as you suspect). Perhaps she needs some training ... a bit of tough love, teaching her to fetch you snacks and water, and take you for lovely long runs off leash. Make sure you sleep in her bed and push her out onto the floor - otherwise she'll think she's more important than you and you don't want that!

Big J said...

Menace, you should so write a book on how to train them. I reckon there's heaps of dogs out there needing advice. Maybe you could do vlogs on YouTube too?

Steve said...

Mate, next time your woman logs you on, direct her to Toys R Us and get her to buy a pair of rollerskates for herself and a pair for your man. It'll make pulling them along so much easier though it may do little to ease the shrieking.

Alex X said...

Have you thought about biting her to keep her in line?

Donaldo said...

Pure dead brilliant Menace!
Think you need a visit from the Tall Girlfriend as a reward?

EmmaK said...

I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh but yes, as you say your woman has definitely lost it. I know you're doing your best to take her for walks but come on do you want to break your back dragging her along? Of course not. Here's what to do, get her man to buy her a segway, they're big wheely things with sticks coming out of them that lazy people stand on to take them for walkies. Then use your teeth to open some superglue and glue her best shoes to them. Then all she has to do, the poor old girl, is slip her feet into the shoes and away you go. Maybe she'll realize at that point that she can dispense with the leash as you no longer need it to drag her around with with your superior strength. Good luck xx

Expat mum said...

Expat Dog here - you could be describing my woman, except she seems to want to keep me really close by looping my leash under my tummy. I appear to have no choice but to play along with her.

bigwords is... said...

That woman of yours is clearly insane! Next she'll be thinking she's a dog or something?!!

leanneeef said...

OMG Missy you have one gifted dog there - don't think I have laughed so much at a blog post ever! x

London City Mum said...

Get her a pair of roller-skates.

Should do the trick one way or the other.

LCM x