Saturday, 19 January 2013

I see Les Mis So You Don't Have To

Let me first of all start with an apology to the patrons of Screen One in the Belmont Cinema last night; it was me who loudly guffawed the moment Russell Crowe started to sing two minutes into Les Miserables. Sorry. It was a knee-jerk response. Be assured that I endeavoured to temper my laughter down to an inward snigger on every subsequent occasion to the point where I think I have pulled one of my chest wall muscles so as not to disturb the mostly weeping audience.

But I’m ahead of myself already. Yes this week’s Misssive is due to Misssy A and I, who have a biological fear and loathing of musical theatre manning up and going to see Les Mis in our yearly quest to see all Oscar nominated films so we know how angry to get come the award decisions. We make our intentions known in advance to our friends and family. Several concerned citizens get in touch. Comments range from the simple “It’s great, but you’ll hate it” to the more aggressive “Please don’t tell me what you think of it afterwards because I don’t know if I’ll be able to be your friend anymore”.

Anne Hathaway's reaction yesterday to hearing that
me and my sister are going to see Les Mis

The story is this. Wolverine has somehow got himself in jail in France where his job is to drag boats that have been crashed by Simon Le Bon back to harbour. Russell Crowe doesn’t like the cut of his jib for no apparent reason but we’re putting it down to the fact that when folk are asked who their favourite Australian actor is they say “Hugh Jackman” and never “Russell Crowe” anymore. Completely out of the blue Wolverine is released into the wild with some ID papers with something written on them that compels the reader to immediately punch Wolverine full on in the puss. Folk aren’t that keen on him, that's for sure. This is probably due to the fact that France never shows films that aren’t French due to their inward looking cultural policy and folk don’t know how boss he is in “X-Men”. A kindly priest who happens to have seen it on a pirate DVD lets him off with nicking some cutlery as long as he sorts his shit out.  Cut to eight years later where he has won the lottery and had a makeover.
Playboy antics of France's Simon Le Bon mean more work for prisoners

He is now a Boris Johnson type figure but with better hair. His many enterprises include owning a factory where they sew the itchy labels onto pants. Anne Hathaway, just trying to make a living to bring up her daughter, is continually pestered by a ginger foreman who has mistakenly thought that the excitement over the naked Prince Harry photos means that fit girls are hot for a ginger. Wolverine hasn’t conducted recent yearly staff reviews because he’s more of an action guy and hasn’t really got time for paperwork, probably a hangover from the grief the papers from Russell Crowe gave him. As a result of this lack of administrative housekeeping he fails to realise that his foreman is a complete prick and that he’s sacked Anne Hathaway and inadvertently banished her to a life on the streets. Hathaway dies from not wearing her coat like so many Geordie girls every winter (note to my son: THIS I WHY YOU HAVE TO WEAR YOUR COAT IN WINTER!) but Wolverine makes a promise that he’ll look after her kid and start paying better attention generally. Oh and Russell Crowe is back. Again! He’s still pissed off because he wanted the main role but he’s not everyone’s favourite Australian actor anymore, so they gave it to Hugh Jackman instead. If he only knew that Wolverine could kill him in one swipe with those claws! Maybe he wouldn’t be such a unremitting dick to him!

The inevitable outcome of the Geordie Shore no coat policy

Meanwhile Anne Hathaway’s daughter is living across town in the film “Sweeney Todd”. Wolverine goes to rescue her from the last great overrated musical film but not before coming clean to Russell Crowe about his identity, which he will just not let lie anyway. They escape into the night after a trip to the local Toys “R” Us.

Turns out the daughter is from the other great overrated film musical “Mama Mia” but Wolverine tries not to let that bother him because he’s made that promise to the priest and is bound to run into him again- I mean every time he steps out the front door he bumps into Russell Crowe, the law of averages says it’s bound to happen with the priest as well. The pre-cutlery Wolverine would have taken the wee girl’s face off for sure. But he’s a changed man so he gives her the benefit of the doubt, but not before checking for traces of Streep as he scans the Paris streets.

 Streep scanning complete

Russell Crowe turns up again and honks like a dyspeptic goose on top of a bridge for what seems like a week. Again, he just won’t let it lie. Meanwhile Paris is in trouble because a rugby club have somehow found their way into the town and they don’t like way things are going politically. They decide to make a small fuss aided and abated by the extras from Moulin Rouge who have leaked in from the nearby third most over-rated musical. They make preparations for action but mainly to their hair. An oversight that will surely get them all killed. It’s at this point that one of them realises there’s not been a love story aspect to the film and this could ruin his chances of an Oscar. He turns around, sees the girl from Mama Mia and thinks, “She’ll do” missing the better looking brunette who has been hanging around reminding him of this fact for ages. Men, eh?!

Just stepped out of a salon

Heaps of folk die because I was right about them concentrating too much on their hair and not about spreading their political message. Russell Crowe’s agent has been on the phone with news that Jackman has been nominated for an Oscar and he hasn’t. He's bloody raging so goes out to give Wolverine a piece of his mind via the medium of honking, knowing that every time he does so he bumps into him despite the city having millions of inhabitants. The honking further deters the people of Paris from coming outside to help in the revolution. He prays for the Mama Mia leak to continue so that Piers Brosnan will appear to make him sound a better singer by comparison. He is to be disappointed. But he does indeed see Wolverine again but not before he’s had a noose put round his neck for ruining the look of the revolution by trying to chum in with the rugby team who have a good hair, good singing voice and high cheekbone entry policy which he clearly flouts. Wolverine lets him go. No-one is sure why. Particularly Russell Crowe who honks himself off the bridge and does the best belly flop you’ve ever seen this side of ITV1’s “Splash!” with wee Tom Daley.


Meanwhile given that all his mates have died, Wolverine feels sorry for his future son in law and gives him a stag night he’ll never forget. Just like the legendary stag nights of Fraserburgh he gives him a good blackening, totally covering him in shit from head to toe. Man, you should have seen the photos on his Facebook page. LOL! They also did some karaoke, because it was a musical. Epic.

Les Mis stag night karaoke hilarity

Listen though, never forget this is a tragedy. Not only was horse meat in the food chain, this being France, some human crap got up Wolverine’s nose and he got that campylobacter thing. And wouldn’t you know that his lack of company administration capabilities strike again? Had he sent away the new company healthcare forms that would have validated his health insurance. Well, what do you think?  Maybe Russell was right abut him along along. Waster.

You know what though, apart from the singing and the music, I thought it was bloody great.

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Trish Burgess said...

For my sins I am a musical theatre fan (blame my mother) but this didn't stop me loving your critique.

frazzlegran said...

Who the hell was Wolverine? Anyway, who cast Russell Crowe in that film, but who casts him in anything, he's rubbish. good blog, you've still got it pet!

Expat mum said...

My aunt knows someone who worked on set (yeah, I'm THAT connected), - who said that Crowe was so panicked about having to sing live, that he forgot how to act.
I think I'll give it a miss.

Steve said...

You may have convinced me to go and see it. I may thank you for this later. Or not.

Anonymous said...
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Ellie said...

Best movie review ever. I won't be seeing the movie because I am sure it would just pale in comparison.

Anonymous said...
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planb said...


I couldn't really be bothered to go anyway, and now I don't have to!

Ellen Arnison said...

How very dare you.

I adore Les Mis though did have a bit of a moment when the gradually aging Wolverine went through his David Essex phase.

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