The Flightpath into Aberdeen (plus my dog Lucy)
I am concerned about the flying visit of the UK cabinet to Aberdeen tomorrow. So often their briefings on Scotland leave them unprepared, exposed and frightened. Look at how George Osborne ran away frightened from STV's Ponsonby.
Being a friendly nation I feel I have to do something to help so I have compiled a glossary of Scots language that they may hear when visiting our fair city and I don't want any of them to feel foolish because they don"t understand. As a native of Clydebank I had a bit of a head start but when I first came up to school in Inverurie at the age of ten I fell foul of the Doric language which left me startled and confused in the playground for about the first 6 weeks until my ears adapted. George, Dave, Willie and the chaps only have six hours. It would be churlish of me not to help. So here goes; A sma traivel intae some of the mitherspik that'll bash yer lugs in Aiberdeen the morn (tr: A simple short guide to some of the vernacular you may encounter in Aberdeen tomorrow)
Doric: A Guide for Conservatives
Haiver: (tr:) to speak nonsense.
Example of use: "Thon loon George Osborne is aye haiverin' "
Translation: "George Osborne has no academic or working background in economics and is ignorant of the many studies that impartial economists have done on the validity and sense for all partners of a Sterling Zone in the event of Scottish independence. It is my guess this is a bluff to scare the Scots into voting no. In reality, he knows full well the a Sterling Zone is in the economic interests of the whole UK and Scotland.
George Osborne on the cusp of a haiver
Muckle: (tr:) A lot, many.
Example of use: "Thon Better Together loons ur haein' us oan that there's nae ile tae mak us a gey feart. But ma faither works oan the rigs and he says abdy says there's muckle."
Translation: Only two weeks ago a report by Sir Ian Wood concluded that North Sea oil can deliver a £200 billion injection into the Scottish economy over the next 20 years. The report – described as “the biggest independent review of the North Sea oil and gas industry in its history” . He argued that reforms to exploration and production would vastly increase output. An independent Scotland, which mobilised such resources, would be well placed to generate far greater prosperity for people and business. If you don't believe me, hop on over to Business for Scotland and put "oil and gas" into their search engine. Then come back and thank me.
Meikle: (tr.) A little
Example of use: "There's meikle Tory high heid yuns in oor country. Wiv mair pandas, fir crying oot loud."Translation: Scotland has consistently voted to have few Conservatives representing us, yet we've been subjected to many terms of Tory government irrespective of the way we vote. Proportional representation means a vote in a Scottish ballot box counts for less than one in the South East of England. However, we do elect a lot of Labour MPs to Westminster, around 41 at the last count. Therefore, the Conservatives would have a more convincing majority if Labour were to lose 41 seats. Even former Tory Secretary for Scotland in the John Major years Michael Forsyth admits it would be better for the Conservatives in England if the Scots voted YES. This may explain Scottish Labour's stance on the referendum. Because we're at a loss as to why a bunch of Scots Labour MPs who are supposed to have their roots in socialism would even align themselves with their Tory enemies to prevent Scotland from gaining independence, frankly. And we've two pandas in Edinburgh zoo, that's double the amount of Tory MPs we give Westminster. It would have been three but the pandas have been having a right carry on with us.
One Tory. Yesterday. London. Probably
Two Pandas, yesterday. Edinburgh. Not shagging.
Pooch: (tr: ) pocket.
Example of use: " Yon Tories widnae be sae feart tae lose us, if it winna fur the clink in their pooches"
Have a good look at this video from Ivan McKee, a business and economics expert who in just 30 minutes can factually explain by looking at government produced GERS data how Scotland would be so much better off if our revenue came directly to our government instead of to Westminster.
And also bear in mind how much of our taxes would have gone to pay for the illegal war in Iraq that very few people in Scotland supported, or the cost of maintaining the nuclear weapons of mass destruction currently being babysat in the Firth of Clyde.
Scunnert: (tr) To be annoyed or uncomfortable with something.
Example of use: "Aye, I wis fair scunnert when I foun oot the Tories were in the toon the day"
Translation: Last month David Cameron preached to Scotland about how much he loved us from the Olympic Park in East London. He also appealed to all of the rest of the UK to pick up the phone and ask us to stay. So far I've only heard of an old guy in New York doing this through the medium of a more attractive avatar and my mum's Geordie mate Ann, who we think might have been taking the piss, we're not entirely sure. Anyway Cameron was roundly criticised for not bothering to come up to Scotland. His chancellor George Osborne came up to Edinburgh the week after but not to proclaim his love for us, contravening his boss's instructions and giving us a right telling off for being cheeky and wanting to keep usng our currency. We're unsure what mix of lovebombing and scolding we're going to get in Aberdeen tomorrow but we're prepared to be irritated with either or both. Still, Cameron may yet have actually read the independent economic reports supporting a currency union and might surprise us all by saying "Sorry Alex and Nicola, you were right. You can use the pound. My bad. George has been a very bad boy. He won't bother you again, will you Gid?". Whatever he says it's worth noting that this is the second time in over 90 years the UK cabinet has met in Scotland. Make of that what you will.
Bam: (tr.) A ruffian, or someone who means you harm.
Example of use: "it's oor poon, an' aa, ye bams!"
Translation: I'm loathe to trust a government who introduced the bedroom tax, preying on the most vulnerable in our society and set up an organisation which tries to frighten benefit claimants, some of whom have been driven to suicide by the threats that have come from ATOS. Tommy Sheridan has the details. Get some popcorn and watch. He's good. Also, nice jumper.
So, forgive me if I don't entirely believe you when you say we can't use sterling, especially when the Government of the Bank of England, and economic answer to George Clooney, Mark Carney came up to Edinburgh the other week to say that although it would have challenges initially and he'd have to pull some all-nighters, he could make a Sterling Zone work if everyone involved decided it was best. The London owned papers reported it slightly differently but get this, Carney is STILL in talks with the Scottish government. How do you like them apples?
Greetin' (tr) to complain in a vocal and irritating manner.
Example of use: "Aye, that Alistair Darlin' is aye oan the telly greetin' aboot Alex Salmond. That's cos he's feart for his joab and that he winnae be in thon Hoosie o' Lords wi his freens."
Translation. It's not difficult to understand why backbencher and failed former Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling is so against Scottish Independence. Despite a Scottish Parliament being in operation for around fifteen years Darling has stayed a Westminister MP. And why wouldn't you? They are getting an 11% pay rise next year and they all get a swish flat in Central London for nothing! How many of you are getting a pay rise? Oh, right.. yeah, I didn't think so. And Mr Darling gets expenses for loads of stuff including two homes. He got into trouble for it at one point but he doesn't really talk about it.
Also heaps of his old MP pals who were voted out in previous elections are still able to decide on constitutional matters and make a jolly good living just for turning up to Westminster every day. The don't even have to bring their own sandwiches, they get fed. Rememeber these ghosts from the past?
Helen Liddell, Baroness Liddell of Coatdyke
Jack McConnell, Baron McConnell of Glenscorrodale
Also Alistair looks ace in ermine. it's the hair and eyebrow combo- he was BUILT to wear ermine. He might actually be part ermine. If Scotland votes yes and he's no longer a citizen of the UK he'll just have to make do with wearing ermine on Halloween or if him and his wife do one of those Murder Mystery dinner parties. No wonder he whines about Alex Salmond all the time. Alex isn't a fan of a cloak. A cloak is terribly unflattering to a man trying to shift a few extra pounds......Or something about democracy, or something. I dunno which.
Anyway, David and Co I hope this helps and enjoy your day in the Silver City. Oh also, try a rowie - they are good with jam, but I'd skip the macaroni pies. I once found hairy mould in one once. Fair put me off (tr. Gied me the dry boak).
Lovebomb right back at ya,
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