The F**king Furries

I don't get the Furries, I have to be honest. But my woman seems to like them no matter how unreasonable they are. I suppose there is no accounting for personal taste. She clearly sees something in them that frankly I just don't. In saying that, their bums smell amazing, so maybe that's it. Maybe that's why she's got two- one for her and one for the man, so they don't fight over them.

I'm not going to lie, I'm kinda addicted to sniffing their bums. It's what some would say is a guilty pleasure. 'Cept I don't feel guilty, I just feel anxious in case one of them catches me. But, the danger is quite exhilarating, really. It's win win in that respect. Y'see, that's the thing about the Furries, for all the sniffing and mooching about they do to the family and all the furniture AND TO MY FOOD SOMETIMES (the nerve) they hate it when I sniff their bums. In fact, they get rather violent, so if I get a chance of a sniff I have to get in and out before they notice or I'm nursing a scratched nose, or a cuffed face. It can be humiliating too- especially in front of the family who've been known to laugh. Unkind I know, but I just can't stay mad at them.

"But, Black Menace," I hear you say "You're bigger than them, you could easily take the Furries". Yes, and you would be right, I could take either one of the furry bitches if I really wanted to, but I'm the bigger person, you see. I'm a Spaniel and I have a reputation to uphold. I have to be docile, pleasant and non-aggressive- it's in the job description. One bite of a Furry and that could be it for the whole firm. Cocker Spaniels haven't held the top chosen family dog slot for the last five years for nothing, you know. One bite and that could be it, the Labradors could get right back up there, or God Forbid, those little fluffy sex addict fake dogs that try and ride you when you're in the park minding your own business. They are already everywhere you look. Give them the top slot and then where would we be?

It's the same with the Littlers, you're not allowed to even look at them funny- even if they are poking you repeatedly in the eye with the point of a retractable pencil and are annoying you when you're a bit tired and they've got a bag of open crisps within easy reach. Not even then. One snarl and that's it, top spot, labrador; game over- expulsion from the Cocker League an absolute certainty.  Not worth it- even if the crisps are beef flavour.

So yeah, the Furries, I could TOTALLY take 'em if I wanted to and sometimes I just chase 'em about a wee bit just to remind them that I could, but I'd never do anything. I'll just have to concentrate on the bum sniff benefits, the occasional chance at swiping their food when no-one's looking and keep the resentment stifled deep down. I've just got to all take the beatings for the team.

See you on the park side,

Yours,

Sonny the Black Menace

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Ghostface

Been busy, you know. Directing a few music videos, you know. Check me out, I come across as vaguely interesting.

No I have. I'm not making it up. Meeester M's band the Lorelei are launching their album "Faces" on the 16th May ( I believe it to be available on iTunes from the 16th May but it's available for pre-order on Amazon now for those who want a cold hard CD copy to rub all over their bodies). So given my capacity of a video director who languishes frustratedly in corporate video and never gets to make anything remotely interesting, I offered to direct a couple of music videos.

 The album cover- 

did you send in your photo? If so it'll be there.

I enlisted my crack team of video pixies, (also my students), every one as hardworking and talented as the last and we set about turning these hairy beasts into the gorgeous rock stars that they see in their own heads. That's why  Misssy M hasn't been on tinternet much. It's been all consuming but excellent.

Here are my team with some of their cast at the location for the video for "Song for the Boy".

One of the videos was studio based and involved headshots of the band with stuff happening to them. The song is "Love is Blind, which I think is the best song on the album. The final effect will look like stop animation but we're not ripping off Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer video in any way. Unless it's in an ironic fashion. And even then, not really, if Gabriel's lawyers are reading. Not at all.

The other video was set in a location which I can only describe as a slight obsession with us. There are two derelict houses on the outskirts of our village that are in the most amazing location but are rumoured to be haunted. There is a very gruesome story associated with a suicide in one of them, and Meester M and Dr .DD, the viola player refused to be filmed in that one like the stroppy divas they are. That's what happens when you work with ex-religion and philosophy teacher and a goth, I suppose. The fear of the dark side is strong with them. Big jessies that they are.

In fact Dr.DD claims this photo she took here is evidence of something ghostly appearing in the house we did film in.See that coming in from the window? I dunno- Goths, they're obsessed, I tell you!

Spooky

I can't show you the videos yet as they are still being edited but I can show you some stills for the shoots under which I will put witty and vaguely offensive captions.

 This is the ongoing edit. Even from here you 

can see I put too much eyeliner on Meester M.

Again with the guyliner

Dr DD with a random fox appearing. 

See Gabriel- we're far more surreal than you ever were.

It's difficult to say what's going on here. 

I filmed it and I still don't know.

It's really just all about one man's grooming

 And what is the point in being the director

if you can't give yourself a cameo?

Videos up soon!

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The Beauty Chorus by Kate Lord Brown

As some of you may know I write stuff from time to time. One of my inspirations has been this lady, Kate Lord Brown. When I was trying to get published, Kate helped me out. She gave me tips, she read my stuff and gave helpful criticism. And she was the first person I wanted to kick off my virtual blog based book tour.  Now I delighted to say am returning the favour.

Kate's first novel gets released today. It's called the Beauty Chorus and you can get it here. That's what I'm going to do as soon as I've pressed publish on this post.  The plot concerns the female pilots of World War 2, the ATA. I interviewed Kate just as her book was going to press.

Gillian: What inspired you to write about the women WW2 pilots?

Kate: I was flicking through a flying magazine at home (my husband's a pilot), and came across a small obituary for a woman who had flown Spitfires. I immediately thought 'why doesn't everyone know about these amazing women?' and then 'wow, this would make a great story ...'

Gillian: Did you do copious research first and then write the book or were the two parallel?

 Kate:Yes, I did loads of research first - with the Air Transport Auxiliary archive, museums all over the country, and was lucky enough to get the advice of a veteran pilot whose amazing life makes the fiction look boring! The great thing about writing historical fiction of this era is there is masses of film and written material. The story came pretty quickly after that - but I had to go back and research isolated details (particulary about planes, I dreaded getting any tech bits wrong being married to a pilot!)

Gillian:How do you immerse yourself in the 1940s?

 Kate:It's been really good fun - I love the music from the era, so I've had Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, all the big band tunes on a loop while I'm working. I've read as many first hand accounts of the era as possible (including things like housewive's diaries to get the domestic details right). Also I don't need much excuse to watch a black and white film, or go along to an airshow where chaps dress up in the uniforms ...

Gillian: What advice would you give to anyone writing a book set in a time they haven’t experienced first hand?

  Kate:I've always believed 'write what you want to know' rather than the usual 'write what you know' dictum. Pick an era that really interests you, sparks your ideas, your enthusiasm. Then, I'd read a really general history of the time to get a good 'groundmap' before you start focussing on your particular story. After that, visit as many museums as you can, listen to music from the era, even cook food they would have eaten (if that's appetising ...!) 

Gillian:Have you ever met/spoken to any of the surviving WW2 female pilots?

 Kate:Yes, I was really lucky to get advice from an amazing woman who flew with the ATA, then went on to have a second wartime career in espionage. There are also several brilliant memoirs written by the women that helped enormously. I was blown away by the bravery and modesty of these incredible women - and hope the surviving veterans approve of the book!

Gillian:What advice would you give someone sending out their manuscript for the first time?

 Kate:Make sure it is absolutely the best work you are capable of. After you finish the first draft, put it in a drawer for a couple of months and come back to it with fresh eyes. Someone said 'write like a mistress, edit like an ex-wife' - or something like that. It's good advice! Once you are 100% happy with your m/s, arm yourself with a copy of Writers' & Artists' Yearbook - look at publishers and agents who deal with work similar to yours. Send them exactly what they ask for - if it's a query letter and 3 chapters only send them that. It goes without saying that m/s need to be sent as clean, businesslike copies (no gimmicks, green biro or ribbons :)

 Gillian: Where can we buy your book?

Kate:'The Beauty Chorus' is published today, April 1st, and is available online from Amazon, Waterstones, Tesco, Asda etc - and should be in all good bookstores as they say!

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Professor Ryan Botox

Professor Brian Cox and Gia Milinovich

I like Professor Brian Cox. I loved his Wonders of the Solar System, I felt my brain nearly explode whilst watching Wonders of the Universe and I enjoy his Friday stints on the Shaun Keaveny Show on BBC6Music. OK and yes, he's also undeniably fit which doesn't hurt. Although he claims people only say that because he looks a bit better than Patrick Moore.

In the last year he's become a bit of a superstar himself, his success I think is down to the way his enthusiasm for physics, something most of us remember hating in school as it was invariably taught by a portly balding man in glasses, sporting a comb over, shoulders bedeckt with dandruff, and who you just knew drunk stuff from the chemistry lab at lunchtime. I have lost count of the amount of people I've heard or read saying, "I wish Brian Cox had been my physics teacher at school". And not just women...Gay men too! No, you get my point- not just for his looks, but for the way he makes the impenetrable at least interesting, if not entirely simple. If it were all about looks then surely vacant eye candy like Vernon Kay would have the same adoration. But folk think he's a twat, so that's that argument blown out of the water.

I'm not going to go on about how attractive he is. For one his wife, Gia Milinovich is heartily sick of it. A TV presenter and boffin in her own right, she wrote in the Guardian about how she feels entirely ignored as a result of Brian's charisma and looks and latterly massive success. Eek!

What I am going to go on about is my students and my relationship with Brian. Every week, someone will try and get a rise out of me by criticising Brian. Usually as a diversion tactic when I'm teaching. It's all good humoured. But recently I found myself drawn into it. In fact, I even helped them in their spoofing of dear star and space loving Brian. On Monday we shot this. Brian, please forgive me, I was swept along with the tide. It must have been the phase of the moon.

 Oh and you can follow @ProfRyanBotox on twitter. Ask him anything; he has the answer.

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