The Misssy M Misssives: September 2011

A few months ago whilst watching Springwatch on TV I declared that my eighties love for Chris Packham was undiminished. In fact it was possibly stronger than ever. I declared it for public record on Twitter.

Packham: If I weren't married Chris..

if I weren't married....

Never would I dream that Chris Packham would see my tweet, see my profile pic, leave his wife, plead with me to leave Meeester M and we'd set up home together on a hide on a mountainside making mad passionate love every morning before going outside to identify chaffinches. No, because that would have been an over reaction on his part and it would also mean that Packham wasn't the man I thought he was cos he clearly searches his own name on Twitter, Which would make him a little bit sad. I probably wouldn't fancy him anymore just because of that.

However my friend did reply to me, "Chris Packham! Next you'll be telling us you fancy Gaz Top!" This is how twitter works by the way- you say flippant things to get a reaction from your mates and have a wee laugh throughout the day or when you are watching telly. I reply "Ha! Even Gaz Top's WIFE doesn't fancy Gaz Top!"

Gaz Top of Get Fresh and How 2 fame

It's not even ten minutes later and I get a direct reply to my tweet from none other than a @GarethJonesTV who is indeed Gaz Top* who I neither follow or who follows me. His tweet to me says "I think you'll find she does!" Twitter is a strange beast- some people search for their own names. Some celebs in particular search for their own names. Still I thought Gaz's reply was moderately hilarious and we had a bit of a chat back and forth which was good humoured enough. For the record, he doesn't still have that ridiculous trademark hairstyle. He has mellowed. Shame....it was magnificent.

I mention that little Twitter story by way of a bit of background. It is only the prologue to the happenings of this week which I wouldn't have blogged about if this hadn't appeared this morning on Andrew Collins blog. For those of you who don't know who Andrew Collins is, he is a DJ on BBC 6 Music, which is my regular choice of listening. It is the best station in the UK but sometimes I nip over to Radio 4 to catch Desert Island Discs, The Today Programme or Woman's Hour- I'm only human after all- I like that whole free will thing, I can't help it! However on Tuesday I was doing some work from home and was enjoying being entertained by Shaun Keavney on the Breakfast Show as I wrote a script about not getting killed on an oil rig. Lauren Laverne, my absolute favourite on the station would be on next. She wasn't. She was still on holiday. Who was covering? Andrew Collins, the bloke he admittedly says himself is the bloke who covers everyone else's show when they aren't there. I'm not really a fan. In fact, his banter drives me insane.

Collins: He doesn't like me much.

But I'm sure if he met met me he would.

He's one of those guys who I'm sure is very nice in person but tends to pick a stupid inane thing that's happened in his personal life and run with it talking absolute nonsense for the rest of the show. Usually involving his home town of Northampton and stuff he did as a teenager there. I couldn't write a script about saving people's lives on oil rigs with Collins on in the background whilst feeling all stabby. And to be honest I was slightly pissed off that they couldn't have replaced Lauren with one of their female DJs who don't get enough airtime as it is. Although I must be honest this was a minor point- I just don't like listening to Collins. I told Twitter as just telling the dog seemed silly:

" I love BBC 6 but I draw the line at Andrew Collings sitting in for Lauren. Liz Kershaw not available? Off to listen to Women's Hour on Radio 4"

Not even five minutes go by and I get this from Andrew Collins (who you'll note I did not message or @ . In fact LOOK I even spelled his last name wrong!):

AC:@MisssyM Well thanks so much for your supportive words. Just doing my best here

Eh? Crikey!

MisssyM: @AndrewCollins Nothing personal-just feel that 10-1pm slot should have female replacement for Lauren-not enough female voices on BBC radio as it is. You've been trumped by Jenni Murray- there are worse things that could happen.

Now I lied here- it was personal- I don't like listening to Collins, I was trying to spare his feelings here. I'm not a monster.

AC: @MisssyM I will do my best not to be a male next time

Christ, now I'm horrible and a sexist. He's bought the whole woman thing. This isn't going well. My, what a sensitive flower! Is he going to come round to my house. Should I tidy up just in case. Should I buy some Kleenex in case he breaks down. Shit, I HATE it when men cry- no-one knows what to do in that situation.

@AndrewCollins You're taking this too hard,Andrew.You can't be everyone's cup of tea.I feel dreadful now...maybe I could make it up to you?

I want to point out that I am NOT offering him sex here. He's no Chris Packham after all.

AC: @MisssyM It's fine, really. And the female voices thing is pertinent. I would say don't tell somebody you're tuning out while they're on air

But but but I didn't!!! Christ, I wouldn't get this shit from Jenni Murray.

"I can confirm that Misssy is a nice person

and indeed she would never get this kind

of shit from me" Jenni Murray earlier today.

I turn back to BBC6- my ears are burning. A half hour later Collins tells his listeners to stand down as the lady who upset him has apologised. Oh Christ- he's been talking about me already! He goes on have another little rant about me though- saying it's fine I don't like him but that it's rude to message the person to tell them directly as they are going on air. Hmmm. I need to put Andrew straight. He's made me feel terrible... But I feel that a slight injustice has been done and am slightly wary of some shoe gazing 80s fan boy Collins fans attacking me in the street by beating me to death with Smiths 12 inches or something.

I reply again:

MisssyM: @AndrewCollins I now consider myself suitably shamed! (I could argue that I never used the @ but that would be churlish)

I don't like that I've upset anyone and I do like to think of myself as being a reasonably nice and polite person. Collins calls me rude. I don't feel that I was, I never directly messaged him to tell him I was switching him off. Why would I do that? That would be horrible. I've been on radio myself not so long ago, it would be upsetting to hear that whilst on air. I might not go on to rant about it repeatedly on air or indeed write a blog about it, but yes, my ego may be a bit scuffed for about five seconds. Andrew, like me, writes books, he's surely had bad reviews- does he write to those people who have given him bad reviews and tell them how hurt he is? Does he wait for them outside their houses to tell them how upset he was on reading their review as they go out to buy a newspaper? I got one bad review for my book- it stung, but I wouldn't dream of contacting the person and having a go. It would be undignified and well....a little sad.

Still, I do feel bad in the heat of it all. I then offer him a homemade mobile phone mitten with anything of his choosing by way of assuaging his hurt feelings. Maybe a caricature of Morrissey- he likes 80s music after all. To date I've heard nothing more on that subject. Some suggestions on what I should put on a phone mitten for Collins are gratefully received.

Jenni Murray of Woman's Hour, perhaps?

Stop Press: 21.07 Saturday- The saga is over. It's important to tell you that the above link to Andrew's original blog is now not working as he has removed his post. He was in a bit of bad mood and over-reacted and you know what, he's man enough to admit that. In fact he's written a post saying so. Good on you Andrew. Here it is.

As you can see from this photo we are now buddies.